posted by Linda on .
I have a writing project. I would like advice from you. This is the assignment.
"You've applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you've had that inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and formal business writing.
This is what I wrote:
My interests are do to the misdiagnosed illnesses of my father, which is the field of Medical Coding and Billing. My father had cancer, which was misdiagnosed by a doctor at Stanford Medical Hospital. He was told he just had an infection which required an I.V. of antibiotics for several weeks. My mother was told by the doctors of this diagnose. She thought it was wrong. The diagnose was documented and with incorrect coding, years later, we discovered this. This coding not only hurt my fathers health but, the insurance company that was involved would not pay for it. Since then I have been extremely curious about the profession of Medical Coding and Billing. I want to be the person who documents the diagnoses of patients. I want to learn hands on and I am eager to do so. I want to utilize my skills and knowledge preventing these kinds of mistakes to help other patients.
My interests are do to the misdiagnosed illnesses of my father, which is the field of Medical Coding and Billing.
>> "do to" = ???
>> "misdiagnosed illnesses" = "the field of Medical Coding and Billing" ????
This sentence needs major revision. For one thing, I think you mean "due to," right? No spell checker will pick that up because there's no spelling error; it's a word-choice error. In addition, the word "which" at the beginning of that relative clause seems to refer to "illness" (I hope it doesn't refer to "father"!!) -- but I doubt any illness is the same as the "field of medical coding and billing," right? Also there should be no capital letters here except at the beginning of the sentence.
My father had cancer, which was misdiagnosed by a doctor at Stanford Medical Hospital. Its formal name is Stanford Hospital & Clinics. http://stanfordhospital.org/
He was told he just had an infection which required an I.V. of antibiotics for several weeks. My mother was told by the doctors of this diagnose.<~~word? She thought it was wrong.<~~Combine those last two sentences. http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/combining_skills.htm
The diagnose<~~word? was documented and with incorrect coding, years later, we discovered this.~~<This sentence needs rephrasing to be smoother and to have the ideas connected more logically.
There are similar errors throughout the rest of the paragraph. It's not a terrible paragraph, but it's rough and needs smoothing out and correcting if you want it to be an example of polished writing.
Use the following links to help you find errors and how to correct them. Then revise your paragraph and repost if you would like someone here to check it for you.
First of thankyou! I appreciate your input.
I rewrote a different paragraph.
During my online research, I was very excited to learn about the current opening for a medical coding position in your organization. I feel my qualifications and your requirements are a good match. I have been very interested in medical coding since my father's illnesses. I was always interested in what the doctors had written down in my father's charts or medical records. This curiousitly stayed with me. I thought what if the doctor entered the wrong information. This would create the wrong coding to be entered as well. The wrong coding would lead to wrong billing. Then the wrong billing would lead to patients not getting bills paid. The list went on. I started thinking I want to go to school and learn more in this field. I now want to use those skills and my knowledge to be the one who enters that information correctly, which is medical coding. I feel I am the right person for this position. I am detailed oriented and very proficient.
oops! First off thankyou!
What do you think of the revised paragraph? I really changed the whole paragraph, is it better?