This is the finished version of my essay from earlier. I'm not sure if it's all the way finished because I have to read it to my group for their point of view. Could someone proofread this for me and give me some tips again? Just don't be too harsh because my writing is still developing but I am trying to improve it. Thank you so much! and once again it's on the treatment of Taliban Women.
There is no stopping the madness that is charging through the blood-stained streets of modern-day Afghanistan. The treatment of Taliban women in this country is considered a great tragedy. Many have described it as brutal and inhumane. A women's existence is obliterated down to nothing. Their presence is noted as a shadow and they are, basically, denied the right to live. We are strongly against this immoral behavior that is provoked upon these individuals. If not for this project, our group would have been oblivious to the hardships these women endure their entire lives.
Before the invasion of the Taliban in 1996, women represented a large percentage of the well-educated and employed part of Afghanistan. Today, they have closed schools to girls and expelled women from universities. Their right to an education has been stripped away. A small child's eagerness for learning is openly denied because it's the "law". How much would Afghanistan have prospered from both men and women working together to make it a better country? Will the Taliban ever realize their insane and idiotic decisions that are ruining the soul of their country? Afghanistan of a life like this, memories of a better life would disappear and bitterness and despair would take it's place.
Not only are Taliban denied an education; they're beaten, stoned, and publicly hanged for crimes they didn't commit. These women live in apprehension each day never knowing if that day may be their last. Their lives are always at stake when gambling with the unpredictable accusations of the Taliban. The leaders became infamously known for their hideous acts when it hit world-wide news, many times, over the years. Here are some examples of the level of their brutality: "An elderly women was brutally beaten with a metal cable until her leg was broken because her ankle was accidentally showing underneath her burqa" ...(then I list more examples)
This project has opened our eyes to the physical and emotional pain and suffering that goes on in our world everyday. It's mind-boggling to realize that Afghanistan isn't the only country where women are treated unrealistic cruelty. As a nation that stands for freedom and justice we believe that American citizens should respond and give the Taliban women back heir voice and back their rights as individuals
-sorry it was so long. I also had a little trouble with the last par. ^
sorry I have a few typos in there as well!
Please correct your typos and repost.
There is no stopping the madness that is charging through the blood-stained streets of modern-day Afghanistan. The treatment of Taliban women in this country is considered a great tragedy. Many have described it as brutal and inhumane. A women's existence is obliterated down to nothing. Their presence is noted as a shadow and they are, basically, denied the right to live. We are strongly against this immoral behavior that is provoked upon these individuals. If not for this project, our group would have been oblivious to the hardships these women endure their entire lives.
Before the invasion of the Taliban in 1996, women represented a large percentage of the well-educated and employed part of Afghanistan. Today, they have closed schools to girls and expelled women from universities. Their right to an education has been stripped away. A small child's eagerness for learning is openly denied because it's the "law". How much would Afghanistan have prospered from both men and women working together to make it a better country? Will the Taliban ever realize their insane and idiotic decisions that are ruining the soul of their country? After centuries of a life like this, memories of a better life would disappear and bitterness and despair would take it's place.
Not only are Taliban women denied an education; they're beaten, stoned, and publicly hanged for crimes they didn't commit. These women live in apprehension each day never knowing if that day may be their last. Their lives are always at stake when gambling with the unpredictable accusations of the Taliban. The leaders became infamously known for their hideous acts when it hit world-wide news, many times, over the years. Here are some examples of the level of their brutality: "An elderly women was brutally beaten with a metal cable until her leg was broken because her ankle was accidentally showing underneath her burqa" ...(then I list more examples)
This project has opened our eyes to the physical and emotional pain and suffering that goes on in our world everyday. It's mind-boggling to realize that Afghanistan isn't the only country where women are treated with unrealistic cruelty. As a nation that stands for freedom and justice we believe that American citizens should respond and give the Taliban women back heir voice and rights as individuals
i tried indenting but it didn't show up
You can show a change in paragraphs by hitting Enter twice at the end of a paragraph.
This looks good, but I suggest you write it in the past tense because the Taliban has been outlawed and is not a great force in Afghanistan any more.
Alright I will, thank you!!!
You're welcome.
Child Abuse do facts and figures from real cases also read A Child Called It The Court System and how it works ilucnde facts from real lawyers and workers in courtChanges in culture and music just one nation or the entire worldHow to live above depression and stay happy everyone needs ideas on that one. Use the theory of the glass is either half empty or half full so if life serves you lemons make lemonaide and full up the glass.How to succeed under peer pressure lots of kids need advice in that area so do research from psychologists and sociologists on ways to stay above your peers but keep them as friends.Pick a company and go through it's history from its birth to present and how it has survived all the decades for example Johnson and Johnson or Smuckers or John DeereLots of ideas out there if you just think about it.
Sure, I'd be happy to help proofread your essay and provide some tips!
First of all, it's great that you're open to feedback and actively working on improving your writing. That's an important mindset to have, and it will undoubtedly help you grow as a writer.
Now let's dive into your essay. Here are a few suggestions for improvement:
1. Structure: Consider breaking your essay into paragraphs to make it easier to read and follow. Each paragraph should focus on a specific idea or argument.
2. Introduction: Your opening sentence is attention-grabbing, but it could be strengthened by providing more concrete details about the situation in Afghanistan. Additionally, try to clarify your thesis statement by clearly stating what you aim to argue or demonstrate in your essay.
3. Supporting arguments: You make valid points about the treatment of Taliban women and its impact on education and human rights. However, it would be beneficial to expand on these arguments by including statistics, specific examples, or expert opinions to strengthen your stance and provide evidence for your claims.
4. Language and style: Your essay could benefit from more concise and precise language. Avoid redundancy and excessive repetition of words or ideas. Use active voice and clear sentence structures to enhance clarity. Additionally, consider varying sentence length to maintain reader engagement.
5. Conclusion: The final paragraph seems incomplete and doesn't fully summarize your arguments or provide a satisfying conclusion to your essay. Try to restate your main points and end with a thought-provoking statement that reinforces your call to action.
Remember, proofreading is not just about checking for grammar and spelling errors — it also involves improving the overall coherence and effectiveness of your writing. Review your essay, taking note of the tips provided here, and make the necessary revisions. Reading it aloud to your group and receiving their feedback will also help you identify areas for further improvement.
Writing is a continuous learning process, so keep practicing and seeking feedback from others to refine your skills. Good luck with your essay, and I hope this guidance helps you in your writing journey!