Posted by lizzie on Tuesday, August 9, 2011 at 8:17am.
Good job of changing most verbs to present tense! That makes it much more lively!
Below, I am underlining the extraneous or redundant words that need to be removed and bolding words that should be added:
I awake very groggy, to find myself on this very remote island with not a person in sight. Attached to my shirt is a letter written by my English teacher Ms. Barlett stating that I am heading down the wrong path in life to a life of destruction, and this behavior needs to change. My mother had died a year ago and Ms. Barlett a really kind hearted and devoted teacher knew this from several essays writing pieces that I had submitted online. She knew I was a young man in trouble, but it was this one particular essay writing that had alarmed her. It was at this moment that I realize why I was the reason for having been sent to this strange place whole new environment and now have to learn to survive on my own a new way of survival.
(Notice the changes in verb tenses I made.)
Work on eliminating extraneous words; check on verb tenses; and keep working on using commas in the right places.
When writing a three step format of thesis, shouldn't I use the three specific words I chose in my thesis?
Paragraph #2 environment
Paragraph #3 New survival ideas
Paragraph #4 Survival practices
How does Paragraph #2 look?
Somehow I find myself on a remote island known as the Isle of Mull off the west coast of Scotland. I begin to investigate the environment around me with the magnificent mountain scenery, raised beaches, rich grasslands, beautiful flowering fuchsia, blue poppies, and many other wonderful plants. Walking on the soft beaches you hear birds chirping and far off in the distance of the water a porpoise is diving. After several hours of exploring the land I realize that I am the only human on the island. I decide to head back to the spot where I had first begun, and soon discover my suitcase.
If you are supposed to write a standard thesis statement, then you need to be writing an expository or argumentative essay.
But you are writing a narrative (a story), and stories do not have standard, formal thesis statements in them. Read the first paragraph here:
I'm not going to go through all your paragraphs with a fine-toothed comb as I did for the first paragraph (although there are some missing commas in that one). Now it's time for YOU to do your own editing and proofreading. The best way to do that is as follows:
Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
(You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! The latter works really well!)
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other people are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
And here are three really good websites that will help, too.
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For Further Reading