Posted by lizzie on Monday, August 8, 2011 at 10:00pm.
Here it is. I still haven't come up with a wow ending sentence.
Do I need to change my thesis statement in the 1st paragraph? I did change it in the last.
I awake very groggy, to find myself on this very remote island with not a person in sight. Attached to my shirt is a letter written by my English teacher Ms. Barlett stating that I was heading down the wrong path to a life of destruction, and this behavior needed to change. My mother had died a year ago, and Ms. Barlett a really kind hearted and devoted teacher knew this from several writing pieces that I had submitted online. She knew I was a young man in trouble, but it was this one particular writing that had alarmed her. It was at this moment that I realized the reason for having been sent to this whole new environment and now had to learn a new way of survival.
Somehow I found myself on a remote island known as the Isle of Mull off the west coast of Scotland. I began to investigate the environment around me with the magnificent mountain scenery, raised beaches, rich grasslands, beautiful flowering fuchsia, blue poppies and many more other wonderful plants. Walking on the soft beaches you could hear birds chirping and singing, and there was even a porpoise far off in the distance of the water. After several hours of exploring the land I realized that I was the only human on the island. I decided to head back to the spot where I had first begun, and there is where I discovered the suitcase.
Not sure how I was going to survive this ordeal I decided to open the suitcase hoping to find a cell phone. Upon opening the suitcase I found many of the items I once used in boy scouts, which was a few months before my mother’s death. The folding pocket knife, nylon twine, saw, axe, fishing kit, utensils, bucket, and of course the book ‘Survival, A Manual That Could Save Your Life” were all there, but no cell phone. These items were all going to be very valuable to me to survive this ordeal. It was at this moment I realized that I now had to somehow feed myself as well as look for a good place to create a shelter for the night.
After about an hour of searching for a place to build my shelter, I was able to find a spot that had a slight overhang of rock to help protect me from the rain and wind. I knew that I needed to collect enough branches and leaves to protect me from the elements of nightfall. I then set out to look for fresh water to drink and ways to obtain food to eat. Not knowing how long I was going to be stranded on this island, I needed to make sure that I had all of these things in place before nightfall. Alone, scared and not sure of how I would survive, I began to reflect on my life experiences and soon realized that I could achieve anything.
No one would ever have guessed that I would have survived in an unknown environment using the survival practices I had learned. Whoever thought as troubled as I was that I could find peace on this deserted island? Three years have passed and I have created a very comfortable and safe place for myself. I am the only human being on this island, but with all of the birds and animals I feel surrounded by love and peace.
Engllish - Writeacher, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 10:11pm
Verb tenses: You began with the verbs in present tense and then switched to past tense somewhere. Go through the whole paper and make sure all verbs are in past tense.
Rephrase so there are no instances of "you."
Study these comma uses, and then go through the paper making corrections:
Then re-post, and we'll work on the wordiness.
English - Writeacher, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 10:14pm
After you make corrections, put it aside for the night.
Work on it some more tomorrow.
Engllish - lizzie, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 10:17pm
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