Posted by lizzie on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 at 5:11pm.
I did what you said and turned it backwards to make the corrections. How does this look? Paragraph #2
Granted Oliver Toliver wasn’t a very well dressed young man growing up; however after achieving the wealth he has today, you would think he would invest in a better wardrobe. The plaided flannel shirt with the denim blue jeans are not the typical business attire. The jeans have worn spots on them and could use a good cleaning, as well as the flannel shirt also having several bleached spots and a slight odor. His gruffy looking face with disheveled and unkept hair makes him look more like a lumberjack than a businessman. But for some reason he has remained true to himself and has not changed to please other people’s beliefs on what he should be wearing.
Updated #3 Correct?
Eventually after his continued hard work and perseverance he was able to build a state-of-the-art mansion with every up to date gadget possible. When entering the road towards the mansion, the drive is lined with a very unique lighting system the entire way. In order to get to the doors of the mansion, everyone is met at the gate by a guard who checks a computerized screen for your name. Finally, after reaching the front door, the guest is greeted by Oliver who begins to give a tour of his home. The mansion is the most amazing that I have ever seen or heard before, and it has only one remote control that controls all of the incredible gadgets. Wow!
"They told him that he was never going to be anyone important because of a name like his, and because of the way he looked and dressed."
I guess it reads OK, but it sounds awkward to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#2
~ How can you revise to get rid of "you"?
~ plaid, not "plaided"
~ delete "the" in front of "typical..."
~ change "as well as" to "and"
~ scruffy, not "gruffy"
~ about, not "on" after "beliefs"
#3
~ up-to-date (when it's used as an adjective)
~ delete "very" in front of "unique"
~ delete "or heard" (Do you hear a mansion?)
#2 I changed you to others or should I change it to most people?
Granted Oliver Toliver wasn’t a very well dressed young man growing up; however after achieving the wealth he has today, others would think he would invest in a better wardrobe. The plaid flannel shirt with the denim blue jeans are not typical business attire. The jeans have worn spots on them and could use a good cleaning, and the flannel shirt also having several bleached spots and a slight odor. His scruffy looking face with disheveled and unkept hair makes him look more like a lumberjack than a businessman. But for some reason he has remained true to himself and has not changed to please other people’s beliefs about what he should be wearing.
#4 Last one!!
Penny-pinching is what some people do to save money, but for Oliver it was the only way, and it made him very successful because of it. By looking at him, you would never guess that he is extremely wealthy, but since he has been doing this from such a young age, it is all he knows how to do. He did however splurge with the construction of his mansion and give it all those fancy gadgets. But even after spending the money to build the mansion, he still did not change his miserly ways with updating his wardrobe to more business attire. Oliver will go to his grave a frugal, tight fisted and cheap man to maintain the true person that he is and will always be remembered as.
#2 - I'd change it to "most people."
#4
~ delete "because of it" -- that's repeating what you already wrote.
~ get rid of "you"
~ change "with" to "by" before "updating"
~ add comma after "tight-fisted" (note the hyphen) and delete "and"
Here it is!! Completed!
Imagine being given a name that every other kid made fun of, with everyone always asking, “Why would your parents do such a thing?” The bullies from his childhood called him "Oliver Tolliver from Bolivar," and this made him extremely conscientious about his name. They told him that he was never going to be anyone important because of a name like his, and because of the way he looked and dressed. Oliver was determined to prove these mean kids wrong. No one would have guessed that this sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, with his penny-pinching ways, would build a state-of-the-art mansion.
Granted Oliver Toliver wasn’t a very well dressed young man growing up; however after achieving the wealth he has today, most people would think he would invest in a better wardrobe. The plaid flannel shirt with the denim blue jeans are not typical business attire. The jeans have worn spots on them and could use a good cleaning, and the flannel shirt also having several bleached spots and a slight odor. His scruffy looking face with disheveled and unkept hair makes him look more like a lumberjack than a businessman. But for some reason he has remained true to himself and has not changed to please other people’s beliefs about what he should be wearing.
Eventually after his continued hard work and perseverance he was able to build a state-of-the-art mansion with every up to date gadget possible. When entering the road towards the mansion, the drive is lined with a unique lighting system the entire way. In order to get to the doors of the mansion, everyone is met at the gate by a guard who checks a computerized screen for your name. Finally, after reaching the front door, the guest is greeted by Oliver who begins to give a tour of his home. The mansion is the most amazing that I have ever seen before, and it has only one remote control that controls all of the incredible gadgets. Wow!
Penny-pinching is what some people do to save money, but for Oliver it was the only way, and it made him very successful. By looking at him, others would never guess that he is extremely wealthy, but since he has been doing this from such a young age, it is all he knows how to do. He did however splurge with the construction of his mansion and give it all those fancy gadgets. But even after spending the money to build the mansion, he still did not change his miserly ways by updating his wardrobe to more business attire. Oliver will go to his grave a frugal, tight-fisted, cheap man to maintain the true person that he is and will always be remembered as.
No one would ever have known the sloppily dressed, penny-pinching Oliver Toliver was now the wealthy businessman with an incredible state-of-the-art mansion. Whoever thought the introverted boy with the funny name would turn out to be so prosperous and well off? Even after achieving such wealth, Oliver has always remained true to himself and never allowed his beliefs to waver. The smile you see displayed across his face is one of determination, hard work, and true satisfaction for him to achieve success. For many years Oliver Toliver questioned why his parents would give him such a name, and now he understood that it was a name most people would never forget.
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