February 20, 2017

Homework Help: English

Posted by lizzie on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 at 8:16am.

I have made the changes. Is this better?

Thesis- The sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, who now has the state-of-the-art mansion, but because of his penny pinching ways, no one would ever know it.
Paragraph #2
Granted Oliver Toliver wasn’t a very well dressed young man growing up; however after achieving the wealth he has today, you would think he would invest in a better wardrobe. The plaided flannel shirt with the denim blue jeans are not typical business attire. The jeans have worn spots on them and could use a good cleaning, as well as the flannel shirt having several bleach spots on it, and a slight odor. His gruffy looking face with disheveled, unkept hair makes him look more like a lumberjack than a businessman. But for some reason he has remained true to himself and has not change who he is as a person to please other people’s beliefs on what he should wear.
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Eventually after his continued hard work and perseverance he was able to build a state-of-the-art mansion with every up to date gadget possible. When entering the road towards the mansion, the drive is lined with a very unique lighting system the entire way. In order to get to the doors of the mansion, everyone is met at the gate by a guard, who checks a computerized screen for your name. Finally, reaching the front door, the guest is greeted by Oliver, who begins to give a tour of his home. There is nothing that can compare to anything they have ever seen or heard before, with one remote controlling most of these incredible gadgets. Wow!
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Penny-pinching is what some people do to save money, but for Oliver it is his only way, and it has made him very successful because of it. By looking at him, you would never guess that he is extremely wealthy, but because he has done this from such a young age, it is the only thing he knows how to do. He did however splurge with the construction of his mansion and give it all those fancy gadgets. But even after spending the money to build the mansion, he still did not change his miserly ways with updating his wardrobe to more of a business attire. Oliver will go to his grave a frugal, tight fisted and cheap man to maintain the true person that he is and will always be remembered as.

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