posted by Angelina on .
This is for a scholarship the topic is "Why do you deserve to win this scholarship?" I am hoping that someone can proofread this and also give any tips for improvement. In addition, the essay has to be under 250 words.
I believe that I deserve this scholarship because I am a hard working person. Throughout my life, I have faced multiple obstacles that I have not let hold me back. I am the first person in my family to not only go to college but also graduate high school. This was not an easy task for me as it would be for other high school students. When I was four years old, my mother died of breast cancer just eight short years later my father passed from a heart attack. At this time, I was put into foster care. Due to this unfortunate event, as soon as I was able to get a job I had to do so. For those that do not know when you are in foster care as soon as you turn 18 or graduate you are on your own. I had to work and save all the money I could so that I had something to live off when I graduated. I did not have a high GPA while in high school; however, I worked as hard as I could to keep my grades up and make sure I have plenty of money to live off. I am now in college and I still work my butt off to get the best grades I can.
Read and use the ideas in MANY of these articles:
You MUST make yourself stand out. Simply saying you deserve the money is not going to work. Saying that you didn't have a high GPA will not work. Use ideas in the search results above, and try again please.
I agree. I for several years was a reader for these. Yours would not stand out.
Scholarships are given to those who show academic promise, and need the money.
Colleges are looking for winners, and those who have shown potential or past success in community leadership and endeavors.
The final sentence, about your butt, is a very large negative for your essay. That is not a word from a winner.
Think on this:
What have you done for others?
How did you fare with your previous courses (remember, many, many students get A's these days). Has any of your teachers written letters on your behalf?
What do you intend to do with our life, and how does this scholarship fit into that goal? Caution here: Do not say you are interested in getting rich or famous.
Do mention what you said about first person to go to college, and graduate high school, but state why that is important to your extended family, as in role model for others.
and, finally, remember 250 words is just a few words, so choose your words carefully. Short sentences, not vernacular, and certainly no reference to your body parts.
A very strong last sentence is important, as the reader is at that point deciding which pile your essay belongs in.
Thank you I will try again and repost.
What makes me deserving of this scholarship is my dedication to succeed, my work ethic, and leadership skills. Throughout my years in school I have always been recognized as a person that loves to be the best. People all over the world have dreams that never come true. One reason for that is that they give up on it so easily. I was raised to never give up, always strive to move forward to overcome those dreams. That’s just the mentality that I have for myself and my future. There is many times where I could have given up on my dreams because of the bumpy roads but I chose not to. I want to be the first male to attend college in my family. That is a big obstacle for me to overcome because it is right there in my face. I want to attend college and major in business and marketing and minor in physical education. I want to open up a recreation center for kids in the community. I’m a person that always wants to give back. Kids need a place to go after school to stay out of trouble. I also want to have multiple sports teams so that the kids can have fun and experience something that they might want to do all there life. My willingness to help the community while pursuing furthering my education will indicate my work ethic and leadership to society.