could you review this for me and provide feedback. I have an assignment that states I need to write my thesis statement then write paragraphs that support this. This is only a draft and I would welcome any comments.
Thesis Statement:
Even though having a credit card can help teach financial responsibility with some, overall a credit card company should not be allowed to market to students on campus.
When many students first attend college, this is their first experience of being on their own and away from their parents and many do not realize the amount of responsibility that will come with that, which includes having a credit card. Once this realization comes to pass it may be too late and they find themselves in a situation of unmanageable credit card debt. The buy now pay later aspect of a credit card is very appealing to a student. This attitude is a common one amongst young people who are more focused on obtaining things they want compared to the things that are actually needed. Even though it is possible for banks and students alike to benefit from credit card use, the potential for harm well outweighs those benefits. Student can easily obtain a credit card but most will not fully understand the terms that these cards carry, such as fees and associated costs that are often hidden in the fine print of the contracts. Understanding this hazard requires one to realize that credit card companies should not be allowed to lure students into financial and possible academic ruin by marketing on college campuses.
Although a college age student may feel ready for the responsibility, they may not completely understand the possible ramifications of over-use of credit cards, which can include a decline in grades and even early withdrawal from school (Siena 2009) Students whose credit card debt has begun to get out of hand may work multiple jobs or more hours in an attempt to handle the debt. The student may also try to take out additional loans to pay-off their credit card balances. The increased hours spent working leaves less time to study. Less time to study and stressing over their debt can lead to a drop in the student’s grades. Even worse than lowered grades, credit card debt can even contribute to students failing to graduate at all. In recent years there has been a dramatic increase in credit card usage among college students which has led to concerns that this behavior is putting them at great risk for high debt levels and misuse of credit after graduation (Angela C. Lyons 2004). What most students will not realize is that the debt they accumulate today can and will follow them into the coming years, which can lead to long term financial problems. These financial problems can include unmanageable debt, bad credit, loan denials, bankruptcy, and even rejections by jobs, rental opportunities and professional schools due to the student’s bad credit.
Many sentences are too long and need to be divided.
There are some tricky spelling issues; for example -- buy-now-pay-later <~~needs the hyphens because you have created an adjective out of a phrase.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/hyphen.htm
See "a" under Hyphens have other uses...
Comma use needs work.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
Pronoun-antecedent agreement needs work:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/pronouns.htm
See especially #2.
Here's only one example: "stressing over their debt can lead to a drop in the student’s grades"
In-text citation issues: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/02/
Fact-checking:
"but most will not fully understand the terms that these cards carry" <~~how do you know that's true?
There are others, so make sure you can back up every factual statement you make. Every one.
What's intended to be a dependent clause here isn't a fully developed clause. "What most students will not realize is that the debt they accumulate today can and will follow them into the coming years, which can lead to long term financial problems."
If you can't see it, read it aloud.
Once you think you have fixed everything, ask someone else to read it aloud to you (and DON'T have a printout in front of you!!). You will hear any problems -- and/or the reader will stumble over a sentence or clause or phrase.
Your content and development are good, but as I said above, you need to make sure you can back up every factual statement you make.
"What most students will not realize is that the debt they accumulate today can and will follow them into the coming years, which can lead to long term financial problems."
I reread it -- aloud! -- and it's grammatically complete -- but it's another example of a too-long, too-convoluted sentence. How can you break this into two sentences?
Thank you so much for the feedback! I will do what you suggested and resubmit. All your help is really appreciated.
No problem!
And be sure to use the "read it aloud" trick. It really pays off!
Overall, your draft looks good and you have successfully written your thesis statement and provided paragraphs that support it. Here are a few comments and suggestions to improve your work:
1. Introduction: Give a brief background or context before starting your thesis statement. This will help the reader understand the significance of the issue you are addressing and will make your argument more persuasive.
2. Thesis statement: Your thesis statement is clear and presents your viewpoint effectively. However, it could be made more specific by mentioning the specific reasons why credit card companies should not be allowed to market to students on campus.
3. Paragraph organization: Make sure your paragraphs are well-structured and focused. Each paragraph should discuss a separate point that supports your thesis statement. Consider rearranging some sentences to improve the flow and coherence of your ideas.
4. Use of evidence: Include more evidence and examples to support your points. For example, you mention that credit card debt can lead to a decline in grades and early withdrawal from school. It would be helpful to include specific studies or statistics to back up these claims.
5. Counterarguments: Address counterarguments to make your argument stronger. For example, some may argue that credit cards can help students build credit history, which is important for their future financial stability. Acknowledge these counterarguments and provide rebuttals to strengthen your position.
6. Conclusion: Sum up your main points in the conclusion and restate your thesis statement. Consider providing a final thought or suggestion for addressing the issue.
Remember to proofread your work for grammar and spelling errors. Overall, your draft is a good starting point, and with these suggestions, you can further strengthen your argument.