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Would this be an effecive thesis statement?


Even though some feel as though a student having a credit card can teach financial
responsibility, a credit card company should not be allowed to market to students on
campus.

  • English -

    I would simplify it some. I'd leave out the wording about 'some feel'. Decisions like this should not be based on feelings, but on facts.

  • English -

    Would it be better written then as this:


    Even though having a credit card can help teach financial responsibility to some, over-all a credit card company should not be allowed to market to students on campus.

  • English -

    yes. You will have to develope the "why" in your supporting paragraphs.

  • English -

    overall <~~one word, no hyphen

  • English -

    I have another question. When you write a thesis statement such as this and then must write paragraphs to support this can I use this thesis as a beginning of the paragraph? For instance could I begin this way? (very rough draft)

    Even though having a credit card can help teach financial responsibility to some, over-all credit card companies should not be allowed to market to students on campus. A student of this age is not mature enough to make this type of long term financial decision. According to a study by Angela C. Lyons (2004), in recent years, the dramatic growth in credit card usage among college students has generated concern that students' credit card hehavior is putting them at greater risk for high debt levels and misuse and/or mismanagement of credit after graduation.


    Would this be an effective beginning to a first paragraph?

  • English -

    There's no way to tell if it's effective until the internal paragraphs are written. Keep this, but work on the rest of the paragraphs for now. Once you have the body of the paper done, then write the intro and concl. Also the thesis usually goes at the END of the intro.

  • English -

    Would this be better? The assignment I am working on requires we write our thesis statement and then write paragraphs that support this. This is what has me confused about where to place the thesis statement. Would I use this as the introduction? I originally had the portion regarding student maturity outlined as my second paragraph.

    A college student is not mature enough to make the type of long term financial decision that comes with using a credit card. According to a study by Angela C. Lyons (2004), in recent years, the dramatic growth in credit card usage among college students has generated concern that students' credit card hehavior is putting them at greater risk for high debt levels and misuse and/or mismanagement of credit after graduation. Even though having a credit card can help teach financial responsibility to some, overall credit card companies should not be allowed to market to students on campus.

  • English -

    The assignment I am working on requires we write our thesis statement and then write paragraphs that support this.

    Notice that the assignment does NOT say you need to write your whole introduction first ... just the thesis statement. (A thesis statement is ONE SENTENCE.)

    So write the thesis statement. Then underneath that, write your supporting paragraphs. (Don't throw away the intro you have written; you may be able to use some or maybe even all of it.)

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