Can you check my paragraph for grammar errors, strong topic/concluding sentence,and any other recommended feed back?

Paragraph two was more effective than paragraph one because it contained sentence variety and rhythm. Paragraph one consisted of short sentences that often began with the subject. The author’s ideas were shuffled throughout the paragraph without presenting any sort of flow. The structure of the paragraph was illogical and I got confused trying to follow the author’s train of thought. The author was repetitious with his or her words and should have combined some sentences to convey a clear point. Whereas, in paragraph two, the point was clear in the first sentence. The sentence variety enhanced the flow of ideas and held my interest throughout the paragraph. The author used various lengths of sentences within the body of the paragraph. The sentences in paragraph two, structured as they were, promoted the words to flow in the author’s writing. Being that paragraph two displayed good variety, the author was able to achieve rhythm. There for, paragraph two was more effectively written than paragraph one.

Paragraph two was more effective than paragraph one because it contained sentence variety and rhythm. Paragraph one consisted of short sentences that often began with the subject. The author’s ideas were shuffled throughout the paragraph without **** flow. The structure of the paragraph was illogical and I got confused trying to follow the author’s train of thought. The author was repetitious ***and should have combined some sentences to convey a clear point. In contrast in paragraph two the point was clear in the first sentence. The sentence variety enhanced the flow of ideas and held my interest throughout the paragraph. The author used various lengths of sentences within the body of the paragraph. The sentences in paragraph two, structured as they were, caused the words to flow ****. Since paragraph two displayed good variety, the author was able to achieve rhythm. Therefore paragraph two was more effectively written than paragraph one.

"Paragraph two was more effective than paragraph one because it contained sentence..."

"it" refers to what? paragraph one? or paragraph two? The beginning of the paragraph is confusing because you refer to what was "more effective," but then you go on to describe terribly ineffective traits.

You need to clarify what you're referring to.

Thank You!

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Paragraph two is more effective than paragraph one because it contains sentence variety and rhythm. In paragraph one, the sentences are short and often begin with the subject. The author's ideas are shuffled throughout the paragraph without presenting any sort of flow. The structure of the paragraph is illogical and can confuse the reader when trying to follow the author's train of thought. Additionally, the author is repetitious with their words and could have combined some sentences to convey a clear point.

On the other hand, paragraph two starts with a clear point in its first sentence. The author uses sentence variety to enhance the flow of ideas and to hold the reader's interest throughout the paragraph. They also incorporate various lengths of sentences within the body of the paragraph, which promotes a smooth flow in the author's writing. Due to this variety, the author is able to achieve rhythm in paragraph two.

Overall, paragraph two is more effectively written than paragraph one because of its sentence variety, logical structure, and flow of ideas. To improve paragraph one, the author should consider restructuring sentences, avoiding repetition, and ensuring a coherent flow of ideas.