Posted by hope on Tuesday, May 17, 2011 at 5:04pm.
Have you ever watched the movie? In the story, “Nothing but the truth,” by Avi, a boy named Philip Malloy had many traits to describe his character in the story. Philip Malloy was a funny person and a stubborn person.
Opening an introduction with a question is not a bad idea, but to ask a question that seems incomplete is strange. What movie? Oh, I see. It's named in the NEXT sentence. So ... how can you fix this and still keep the first sentence as a question?
Also, I have underlined the second part of the second sentence because it needs major rewording; it's repetitive, and you need to revise it so there's no repetition at all.
There are many ways Philip was a funny boy. He cracked so many jokes that what could’ve been serious, but they were too funny to be serious. He tried to be the class clown and make known for everyone to see him during his English teacher class, Miss Narwin. For example, when he said, “Girls go for guys that win,” (pg.3). <~~That's still a fragment. That boy tried to made a joke by saying that. It's still not clear why that's funny. You need to explain that.
Also, I have underlined places in this paragraph that need rewording. They don't make sense. Read them aloud to someone or ask someone to read it aloud to you. You should HEAR the problems and know what to do.
Another of Philip's traits is his stubbornness. Philip was very into himself,<~~run-on he thought only of him, and what’s best for him.<~~reflexive pronouns needed here An example to describe stubborn is, “Studying is boring,” (pg, 7). Stubbornness and being bored are two completely different things. I'm not making the connection at all. ~~ Oh, my!! ~~>He doesn’t know studying is boring, if he just takes a look at his friends that loves studying that want to be the best student and person they can be in the world. <~~I can't figure out if that is a terribly long fragment or a couple of run-ons! He would take notice and be someone <~~Isn't he already someone? Isn't he a person? when he gets older.
As you can see, two traits that caught my attention of the ninth-grade boy, Philip Malloy<~~add comma are funny and stubborn<~~What are the noun forms of "funny" and "stubborn" --you need nouns here because you wrote "traits" above. He likes to be a comedian, but he sure knows,<~~delete comma that he thinks of no one,<~~delete comma but himself. Funny people have lots of jokes to make people laugh. Stubborn people get you nowhere. Does this person fit you too?
how can you rephrase this last part and NOT use any forms of "you"?
To get rid of wordiness and redundancy/repetition:
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/style/wordiness.html
To fix run-ons:
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/punct/csfsro.html
To fix fragments:
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/punct/fragmentcauses.html
Reflexive pronouns:
http://web2.uvcs.uvic.ca/elc/studyzone/330/grammar/reflex.htm
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