Posted by Hope on Monday, May 16, 2011 at 8:50pm.
Can you proofread my writing?
Have you ever met a devious little boy? Well, I have. In the story “Nothing but the truth,” by Avi, a boy named Philip Malloy was very devious. Philip Malloy was a funny person, then a stubborn person.
There are many ways Philip was a funny boy. He cracked so many jokes that could’ve been serious. For example, when he said, “Girls go for guys that win,” (pg.3). He was so in love with track that he said that.
Another trait that can describe Philip Malloy is stubborn. He was very into himself, he thought only of him, and what’s best for him. An example to describe stubborn is, “Studying is boring,” (pg, 7). He doesn’t know studying is boring, if he just takes a look at his friends that loves studying that want to be the best student and person they can be in the world.
As you can see, many traits that can fit a ninth grade boy named Philip Malloy are funny and stubborn. He might be an actor, but he sure knows, that he thinks of no one, but himself. Funny people have lots of jokes to make people laugh. Stubborn people get you no where. Does this person fit you too?
- Writing - Writeacher, Monday, May 16, 2011 at 9:13pm
Philip Malloy was very devious <~~and yet nowhere else in your writing do you define "devious" nor tell the reader in what way the boy exhibited such a characteristic.
For example, when he said, "Girls go for guys that win" (pg.3). <~~First of all, that's not a complete sentence. Also how is that funny? And the next sentence doesn't seem to fit either -- it's not telling the reader anything about the boy being funny.
Please read your paper aloud to someone else and make sure the ideas logically follow one another.
Also, there are places in here where you need to be using reflexive pronouns.
Revise, revise, revise -- then repost.
- Writing - Hope, Monday, May 16, 2011 at 9:24pm
Can you show me how you would write this writing and il go back and do it myself?
- Writing - Writeacher, Monday, May 16, 2011 at 9:39pm
You have named three adjectives for this character: devious, funny, and stubborn.
Write one paragraph that includes examples of him being devious.
Write one paragraph that gives examples of him being funny. Truly funny, humorous,
Write one paragraph that shows how he is stubborn -- examples of when he is acting stubborn.
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