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Com 155

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I would appreciate if someone could look at the assignment I have to complete. I have included the rules I am to follow and the paragraph that I have written
• Read two of the five paragraphs on the second page of this appendix. Write a brief paragraph of about 150 words in which you do the following:

o Identify which paragraph was more effective and analyze why this is so.
o Include a discussion of sentence variety and the rhythm of the author’s writing.
o Focus on the writing rather than the opinions presented.
o Underline your topic sentence.

1. A lot of people don’t have wills. Everyone needs a will, but not all people have one. Wills are important because they explain who gets your stuff after you die. You don’t want your things going to someone you don’t want them to go to. My Aunt Martha went to a lawyer to get a will, I did my will online. My dad died in 1988. He didn’t have a will. His stuff went to my step mom, who I don’t get along with. If he would have had a will, I might have been able to start college sooner. But my dad didn’t have a will. A will is good and you need to get one. Do you have a will?
4. Most consumers understand that a good credit score is vital to one’s financial security and stability. Many people may not understand how a credit score is calculated. Payment history accounts for roughly 35% of one’s overall score. This means that on-time payments are absolutely essential. Debt level is not far behind at 30%. This accounts for near-limits and the total amount of money owed. Length of credit history is next at 15%, followed by inquiries at 10% and mix of credit at 10%.


When comparing paragraph one and four I found paragraph four to be the most effective. I believe it to be most effective because compared to paragraph one it had better variety and rhythm. In paragraph one the sentences where choppy and very vague. In paragraph four when the writer could have made the sentences shorter they added more detail to give the reader more information. The writer explained in detail about why good credit is important and how a credit score is broke down. In paragraph one the writer tried to explain why it is important to have a will. The paragraph was hard to follow because of the sentence length and the thought seemed to jump all over. Overall it is important to have rhythm and variety in your paragraphs to make the reader understand what you are trying to say and make it easier for them to read.

  • Com 155 -

    You're comparing TWO things; therefore, you need to use "more" not "most."
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/adjectives.htm#comparative

    "compared to paragraph one" is redundant (repetitive); delete it.

    Several commas are missing.
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

    Content is fine.

  • Com 155 -

    Thank you so much for your help. After your suggestions made my paragraph sound much better. It is nice to have someone take a second look at it.

  • Com 155 -

    You're very welcome! Go get an A!!

  • Com 155 -

    you should be ahame looking for answer make sure i tell the teacher what site your own looking for answers.

  • Com 155 -

    To the person who said they should be ashamed: they are not looking for answers, they're just looking for help. No one wrote the answer for them. They just came on here to get a second opinion. This is why people should mind their own business. You have no idea what you're talking about, then please refrain from talking. Thank You....

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