Posted by Mike on .
I really need you to check these sentences on Owen's poem please.
1)In the second stanza, most of the soldiers succeed in putting on their clumsy gas masks. Someone, however, is still crying out for help, unable to move quickly and easily enough to put on his mask, as if he's stuck in fire or lime.
2) Through the misty green panes of the gas mask, the poet sees (not saw) his friend who looks as if he is (were: since it is not true) drowning in the deadly gas. 3) The memory of his dying friend returns in his dreams, and he cannot stop them. The poet cannot help seeing his friend, lunging at him as he asks for help and then is dying.
4) His friend moves towards him, like a guttering candle which is about to go out, choking and drowning.
5) In the third stanza, the poet wonders if the readers can imagine walking behind a wagon into which his (not their) dying friends had been thrown once they couldn't walk. (is it OK to use the past here though the rephrase is in the simple present?)
6) He wonders if readers can see his friend's face, with its (or his?) skin starting to fall off, and his white eyes writhing.
4. "like a guttering candle" I know there is such an expression, but, = could that be "sputtering" or glittering candle or flickering candle?"
5. For "sequence of tense" I prefer "has"
2. This reads strangely to me with "were" even though it's correct that it's a 'contrary to fact' use of the subjunctive. You'll have to read it aloud and decide. I'd keep "is" but you may want to keep "were."
5. In the third stanza, the poet wonders if the readers can imagine walking behind a wagon into which their dying friends have been thrown once they cannot walk.
6. Keep "its" since the reference is to "skin." Remove the comma after "off."
Here are some webpages to help explain ...
... sequence of tenses
Be sure to click on the word HERE to see the chart provided.
... pronoun/antecedent agreement