Homework Help: Writing

Posted by Raven on Thursday, March 24, 2011 at 6:53pm.

I need help on fixing my paper. Could you grade me on a scale of 1 to 12.

The World of Technology
Technology, Technology, that’s all we use today. There’s Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, and so many more. My opinion on technology is that I agree because many kids are failing and falling behind in school and grades.
There are so many reasons I agree with the writer of the Scope magazine article “Is Technology Messing with Your Brain?” One reason is kids are spending more time with their gadgets than with their friends. Another reason is kids are spending more time with their electronics than with their homework. Last reason is kids can’t concentrate or remember anything because their brain is multitasking with all of this technology.
To emphasize my point, you should agree that kids having technology is taking their minds off real stuff that matters. School work should come first and then you could play later. Many parents think I’m probably right and the other parents think I’m wrong. We need to get these intelligent kids cracking into these books, just if they were on social networking sites.

Writing - Writeacher, Thursday, March 24, 2011 at 7:06pm
My opinion about people's misuse of technology is that I agree <~~you agree with what? because many kids are failing and falling behind in school and grades.

There are so many reasons I agree with the writer of the Scope magazine article “Is Technology Messing with Your Brain?” One reason is kids are spending more time with their gadgets than with their friends. Another reason is kids are spending more time with their electronics than with their homework. Last reason is kids can’t concentrate or remember anything because their brain is multitasking with all of this technology.
To emphasize my point, you should agree that kids having technology is taking<~~what is the subject of this verb? their minds off real stuff that matters. School work should come first and then you could play later. Many parents think I’m probably right and the other parents think I’m wrong. We need to get these intelligent kids cracking into these books, just if they were on social networking sites.<~~how is being on social networking sites the same thing as studying??

I would give this about a 5. There are some grammar and wording issues, but most of all, the content is very general and you make some broad generalizations.* I don't know what your instructions were, and I'd need to know that to tell if you addressed the topic or not.

*To learn more about generalizations and why you need to avoid them:
http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/fallacies.html#5
Writing - Raven, Thursday, March 24, 2011 at 7:29pm
The instructions were deciding if technology is hurting kids? Support the side I pick.
Writing - Writeacher, Thursday, March 24, 2011 at 7:44pm
OK, you addressed the topic and stayed with it. That's good. Now you need to realize that technology is FAR MORE than just social networking sites. What else is included in the broad term "technology"?

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