Homework Help: Writing

Posted by Ramona on Tuesday, March 15, 2011 at 9:38pm.

Can you grade me out of 12 points? Did I have any voice? Proofread my writing.

A Valuable Item
A valuable item is something that’s given to you by a special someone that you will have forever to the end. Many people have valuable items that they love, that don’t cost much money. One of my favorite valuable items is what my sister made me which is a handmade keychain.
There are so many reasons the handmade keychain is valuable to me. One reason is my sister thought about me and that is what made me feel special. Another reason it’s valuable to me it is really divine the way she made it. My sister shaped the keychain into a butterfly. I know it must have taken some time! Next reason is it reminds me of a rainbow, because it has the colors in a rainbow which makes it colorfully and attractive. Last reason it is beautiful and I enjoy putting it on my purses.
As you can see, a valuable item to me is a handmade keychain. That is one thing I will value and treasure forever made by my little sister by hand. I have many valuable items, but this handmade keychain meant a lot to me. I will always remember it! Do you have a valuable item that didn’t cost much money?

Writing - Writeacher, Tuesday, March 15, 2011 at 9:46pm
I would probably give your paper a 5.

Organization is OK.
Some sentences are vague and/or awkward.
There is too much repetition in here.
Writing - Writeacher, Tuesday, March 15, 2011 at 10:03pm
Here's how it could be better:

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A valuable item is something that’s given to you by a special someone, something that you will have forever to the end. Many people have valuable items that they love, that don’t cost much money. One of my favorite valuable items is a handmade keychain my sister made me.

There are so many reasons this keychain is valuable to me. First, it shows that my sister thought about me and made me feel special. I'm not always sure she cares, but now I know she does. Second, it is really divine the way she shaped the keychain into a butterfly. I know it must have taken some time! Third, it reminds me of a rainbow because it has all the colors of the spectrum in it, making it colorful and attractive. It is very beautiful, and I enjoy putting it on my purses.

I will value and treasure this butterfly keychain forever, mostly because my little sister made it for me. I have many valuable items, but this is my prized possession, and I hope I never lose it. Do you have a valuable item that didn’t cost much money?

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The second paragraph is still rather vague. A detailed description of the chain and the butterfly, including names of colors, size and shape, etc., would make it much better.
Writing - Dr Russ, Wednesday, March 16, 2011 at 5:41am
A few additional comments.

You do not say to whom the essay is targeted, which can have a bearing on style and content.

I would have avoided the contractions in the first paragraph, so 'that is' rather than 'that's', and 'do not' rather than 'don't'.

In the introduction you might want to get the reader to engage more with your sister, and you can do this by say 'older sister', or perhaps saying when she made the keychain.

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