posted by vid on .
Hi, I would like you to check my essay and see if I have maintained "verb tense consistency"
Here is my essay:
The use of social networking sites is an experience shared by many educators and students. In Livingston Senior High School Handbook, the Media Center has a policy which states, computers are to be used for academic use only. This approves that all social networking sites are banned in all computers on the school network. Teachers tell students who take business courses which often require use of computers, are enforced to use only for academic needs. However, our school keeps track of some unusual activity on the computers as said by one computer teacher. Social Networking Sites impacts through factors such as; distraction tool for the students as they won’t pay attention in class and spend their time on the social networking sites. Other reasons are privacy concerns and good socialization skills with others in the real life. Ones, who are against this policy, shouldn’t argue because such sites have a potential to cause a negative impact on the school.
Social networking sites have a negative impact; such as distraction tool and inattentiveness in academic work for students. Cyberbulling can be one factor for a distraction tools. For example a study by BBC says, “…39% of social network users had been cyber-bullied in some way, compared to 22% of online teens who do not use social networks,” which ensures that cyberbulling can occur easily to those who have an account on a social network. The victims often experience a drop in grades, lower self-confidence or depression based on surveys taken in the past few years. Most teachers say the major reason for banning social networks in schools, was because of cyberbullying; a distraction tool which affects the student’s ability to do work. Therefore, social networking sites should be remained banned on school grounds as it helps ensure that a student will do his or her best in school.
Social networking should be banned on school grounds for privacy concerns to ensure the safety of students when they are at school, and to help students understand that the site providers are not really respecting our privacy, because the sites are updated without a warning. Also be aware when you delete your posts, it isn’t deleted forever as the photos can be somewhere around the internet even after you delete them. In addition, a teacher might lose his or her job regarding the posts or photos that she posts during her school hours. Most teachers understand, the small amount of privacy that they have on the social networking websites during school hours according to a survey. Also, the survey provided that a reason for the ban of social networks can be based on other incidents that occurred in other schools. Such as in Massachusetts “A Cohasset teacher, unschooled in the ways of Facebook, learned a stinging lesson this week after she lost her job over comments she put on her page,” said by the Boston News Channel.
Which is better, socializing through the virtual world or socializing through the real world? It is said by many; socializing through the real world is better, because it is often considered real socializing rather than interacting with others through the social networks such as Facebook or MySpace. Social networks encourage people to spend more time online, and less time interacting with others face-to-face. This lowers the rate of “How well do people communicate with others through the real world?” It is as if they forget how to communicate with others. For example, a 3rd survey’s result showed about 85% talk to their friends regarding topics other than schoolwork on Facebook, compared to ones who talked face-to-face with people in real life, regarding schoolwork. This explains that the certain number of students who miss schoolwork; do not bother to ask someone through Facebook regarding what they have missed. Thus, there is no need to keep social networking sites on school grounds because the use of social networking is only to socialize with others.
Once said by Mike Fitzpatrick “Social networking sites like Myspace, Friendster, and Facebook have literally exploded in popularity in just a few short years,” and because of the massive popularity level of these Social Networking Sites, which has caused a negative impacts today. Social networking sites should be banned and remain banned because the result will show a drastic change on today’s generation of students. To not ban social networking, is to not ban distraction tools, and privacy concerns. Banning social networking sites also improves communication when working with others in the real world. Social networks will cause destruction to student’s education which will impact the recent generation. Social networking sites being banned is a positive factor which best help students succeed in LHS.
I find the paper difficult to read because of the wordy and sometimes convoluted sentences.
You wrote this:
This approves that all social networking sites are banned in all computers on the school network. Teachers tell students who take business courses which often require use of computers, are enforced to use only for academic needs. However, our school keeps track of some unusual activity on the computers as said by one computer teacher.
The word "approves" is strangely used, not correct for this sentence.
The second sentence is too long and hard to follow.
The third sentence is strangely phrased and wordy. Put "one teacher said" right after "However."
Use the following ideas to proofread your own paper. Once you have revised and rewritten, post it again.
Please go over your paper with the following in mind. Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
[You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! (The latter works really well!)]
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other people are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
And here are three really good websites that will help, too.
Hi I am a teacher at a middle school and I think that your essay is definitely an essay better than my students but it sure could use a little more work.