posted by Shivi on .
HEY guys! I need to majorly cut down on this piece of writing. :-(
Imagine you are a 12 year old boy from Afghanistan wo is newly arrived in Australia. Write a diary entry outlining your experiences on your first day at school. Include 5 words from the spelling list.
Spelling List: campaign, exceeded, universally, diversity, regional, origin, economic, globalization, generosity, fundamental, unfortunate, concept, implication, emergence, optimism
I woke up to the sound of the blaring alarm clock, flashing its red digits into my eyes. As much as I didn't want to disturb my sleep, I was rather eager and curious as to how Monarch Prep - the most prestigious, single-sex school in regional Gold Coast - was.
I've been in Australia for two weeks on a three month exchange-student program and today was my first day. For the two weeks before that, I have been trying to adjust myself to the new sleep routine and have been on vacation to experience the famous sun, surf and sea Gold Coast is known for.
I go and take a shower to freshen myself up and continue to do my morning prayers to remind how privileged I should be to Allah for letting me be chosen for this program. By the time it's 7:30 AM I helped Adrian's mum with the chores, ate breakfast and prepared myself for the day.
“Kabir! Its time to go now!”, called Adrian. I rushed myself towards the front door, chucked my bag in the boot and hopped into the four-wheel-drive.
After 10 mins of moderate driving, I reached my school, Monarch Prep. It was huge! There was a fountain at the entrance of the school gates, two main colossal buildings which were for Tech studies and for general subjects, behind the two major buildings was 'the' school oval (including the Agriculture farm) about the size of my old school in Afghanistan and a gymnasium on the right hand side of the oval.
Adrian continued to guide me throughout the dropped me off at my classroom. The bell rung and I could feel my palms feeling damp and beads of sweating forming across my forehead. Period one started and I stood in front of the classroom as the teacher expected me to. “Please take your seats boys. I would like to introduce to a new student from Afghanistan,” As soon as he said that I tried to look elsewhere but then, “His name is Kabir and I will like you all to treat him kindly.” Yes it was intimidating having to have 30 pairs of eyes looking at you but I noticed that there was warmth – not hostility – in those eyes. A sense of optimism emerged from me as a generous boy, who's name I found out later was Samuel, offered me a seat next to me.
The day went on without any troubles and then recess approached sooner or later. I sat with Adrian's friends and felt quite comfortable talking to them, it was like the didn't care about my origin at all. It was as though it was a familiar concept for them. Recess was soon over and I rushed to my next room to find that I was in for double maths, my favourite subject!
I was once again formally introduced to another group of 25-30 boys. After 2 hours of grilling maths equations, it was time to go to home – since it was the first day, lunch and periods 5 and 6 got cancelled.
I met Adrian at the front entrance of the school after the bell and he showed me the way home. I’m supposed to walk by myself because he has choir practice every Monday's from now on. I hope I don’t get lost. But I’m feeling not too bad at the moment, so I think it’ll be alright.
I’m beginning to feel more assured and at ease. Ha! I can get used to this.
Shivi, you did not say what the word limit on your assignment was. I will give you some help, however. I won't write your assignment but I will give you some writing tips.
While writing a draft to a paper, learn to do away with unnecessary words such as to, a, so, and, but, that, for, as, etc. After awhile you will start to learn ways to simplify sentences in a logical way.
I woke up to the sound of the blaring alarm clock, flashing its red digits into my eyes. (I didn't want disturb) REWRITE IN PAST TENSE. my sleep, but was curious about Monarch-Prep,the most prestigious, single-sex school in THERE IS NO ARTICLE BEFORE "REGIONAL" regional Gold Coast.
THE THIRD PARAGRAPH IS NOT NECESSARY. DAILY DETAILS ARE NOT WRITTEN IN A DIARY. THANKING ALLAH FOR YOUR PRIVILEGE CAN BE DONE AT THE END OF THE STORY.
FOURTH PARAGRAPH: NOT NECESSARY.
FITH PARAGRAPH: FIRST SENTENCE CAN BE SOMETHING LIKE "I FINALLY ARRIVED AT MONARCH PREP FOR MY FIRST DAY." THE REST IS ONLY ONE SENTENCE WHICH IS WAY TOO LONG. DIVIDE IT IN HALF AND OMITT "BEHIND THE TWO MAJOR BUILDINGS". A SIMPLER WAY TO SAY THAT IS "BEYOND THAT WAS...". YOU CAN OMITT COMPARISON TO YOUR OLD SCHOOL.
SIXTH PARAGRAPH: REWRITE THE FIRST SENTENCE. FOR EXAMPLE "aDRIAN GUIDED TO TO MY FIRST PERIOD CLASS." OMITT THE THIRD SENTENCE. REMOVE "SAID THAT". IT IS REDUNDANT. USE "SPOKE" OR ANOTHER SIMILAR WORD. REMOVE "BUT THEN". IN THE LAST SENTENCE REWRITE IT SO "WHOSE NAME I FOUND OUT LATER" IS LEFT OUT WHILE "SAMUEL" REMAINS.
SEVENTH PARAGRAPH: OMITT "SOONER OR LATER" FROM FIRST SENTENCE. OMITT "IT WAS LIKE" IN SECOND SENTENCE. SECOND SENTENCE IS ALSO A RUN-ON. MAKE IT TWO SENTENCES OR REWRITE THE WHOLE SENTENCE. OMITT "THAT" IN LAST SENTENCE.
EIGHTH PARAGRAPH: LAST SENTENCE IS A RUN-ON. REWRITE IT OR MAKE IT TWO SENTENCES.
NINTH PARAGRAPH: REWRITE LAST SENTENCE. IT IS TOO WORDY AND REDUNDANT. IT SAYS THE SAME THING TWICE. CUT IT IN HALF.
OMITT THE SENTENCE STARTING "I'M BEGINNING.." AND REPLACE IT WITH YOUR THANKS TO ALLAH.
HOPE THIS HELPS. IT CUTS OUT ABOUT 1/4 OF THE STORY BUT KEEPS IT'S INTEGRITY.
May i ask what an article is and thank you so much!! Your very helpful! I'm going to start taking notes on what people say on my work lol.
And sorry I am poor in Enlgish (like a 'B' grade aiming for an 'A' grade) and want to try an be more creative but find it hard to do so. I didn't mean for you to do my homework its just I did'nt know where to cut it down ;(.
an article is like, an, in, a...ect.
It was hard to answer your question without helping a little more. You still had quite a bit of work to do in cutting down and rewriting so the work would be less wordy. I didn't really think I did everything for you.
I am at a university right now and we have a writing program that corrects our work when we submit it. I don't think what I did was anything different than that program. You might see if you can find access to a writing program on the web.
Your English is really not bad. Don't beat yourself. Your grades are good so that means your English is better than average.
Thanks guys! :)