Shivi, you did not say what the word limit on your assignment was. I will give you some help, however. I won't write your assignment but I will give you some writing tips.
While writing a draft to a paper, learn to do away with unnecessary words such as to, a, so, and, but, that, for, as, etc. After awhile you will start to learn ways to simplify sentences in a logical way.
I woke up to the sound of the blaring alarm clock, flashing its red digits into my eyes. (I didn't want disturb) REWRITE IN PAST TENSE. my sleep, but was curious about Monarch-Prep,the most prestigious, single-sex school in THERE IS NO ARTICLE BEFORE "REGIONAL" regional Gold Coast.
THE THIRD PARAGRAPH IS NOT NECESSARY. DAILY DETAILS ARE NOT WRITTEN IN A DIARY. THANKING ALLAH FOR YOUR PRIVILEGE CAN BE DONE AT THE END OF THE STORY.
FOURTH PARAGRAPH: NOT NECESSARY.
FITH PARAGRAPH: FIRST SENTENCE CAN BE SOMETHING LIKE "I FINALLY ARRIVED AT MONARCH PREP FOR MY FIRST DAY." THE REST IS ONLY ONE SENTENCE WHICH IS WAY TOO LONG. DIVIDE IT IN HALF AND OMITT "BEHIND THE TWO MAJOR BUILDINGS". A SIMPLER WAY TO SAY THAT IS "BEYOND THAT WAS...". YOU CAN OMITT COMPARISON TO YOUR OLD SCHOOL.
SIXTH PARAGRAPH: REWRITE THE FIRST SENTENCE. FOR EXAMPLE "aDRIAN GUIDED TO TO MY FIRST PERIOD CLASS." OMITT THE THIRD SENTENCE. REMOVE "SAID THAT". IT IS REDUNDANT. USE "SPOKE" OR ANOTHER SIMILAR WORD. REMOVE "BUT THEN". IN THE LAST SENTENCE REWRITE IT SO "WHOSE NAME I FOUND OUT LATER" IS LEFT OUT WHILE "SAMUEL" REMAINS.
SEVENTH PARAGRAPH: OMITT "SOONER OR LATER" FROM FIRST SENTENCE. OMITT "IT WAS LIKE" IN SECOND SENTENCE. SECOND SENTENCE IS ALSO A RUN-ON. MAKE IT TWO SENTENCES OR REWRITE THE WHOLE SENTENCE. OMITT "THAT" IN LAST SENTENCE.
EIGHTH PARAGRAPH: LAST SENTENCE IS A RUN-ON. REWRITE IT OR MAKE IT TWO SENTENCES.
NINTH PARAGRAPH: REWRITE LAST SENTENCE. IT IS TOO WORDY AND REDUNDANT. IT SAYS THE SAME THING TWICE. CUT IT IN HALF.
OMITT THE SENTENCE STARTING "I'M BEGINNING.." AND REPLACE IT WITH YOUR THANKS TO ALLAH.
HOPE THIS HELPS. IT CUTS OUT ABOUT 1/4 OF THE STORY BUT KEEPS IT'S INTEGRITY.
May i ask what an article is and thank you so much!! Your very helpful! I'm going to start taking notes on what people say on my work lol.
And sorry I am poor in Enlgish (like a 'B' grade aiming for an 'A' grade) and want to try an be more creative but find it hard to do so. I didn't mean for you to do my homework its just I did'nt know where to cut it down ;(.
an article is like, an, in, a...ect.
It was hard to answer your question without helping a little more. You still had quite a bit of work to do in cutting down and rewriting so the work would be less wordy. I didn't really think I did everything for you.
I am at a university right now and we have a writing program that corrects our work when we submit it. I don't think what I did was anything different than that program. You might see if you can find access to a writing program on the web.
Your English is really not bad. Don't beat yourself. Your grades are good so that means your English is better than average.
Thanks guys! :)
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