posted by jenny on .
a. Paragraph one – Describe the subject that you are writing about, and say why this subject is important.
b. Paragraph two – State the current situation associated with this subject(s). What is happening now in the field that triggered you to write an article about this subject(s).
I have to write an essay on the chloera of haiti. For paragraph 1, I haven't written why it's important yet, but I described my subject. Can you please check to see if it's okay. Also, my essay only has to be 250-500 words. So I can't put a lot of details either. I have to keep it short and precise.
Can you please read what I have so far and also in Paragraph 1: what can i say about why it's important
As of October 2010, it has been confirmed that a breakout of cholera has occurred in a region north of Port-au-Prince, Haiti. Cholera, caused by a bacterium called vibrio cholera, is an infectious disease that damages the intestines in the body. A person who is infected experiences vomiting and explosive diarrhea which leads to dehydration and death if untreated. There are many causes that have a played a role in this epidemic breakout such as, poor water conditions and sanitation, public health issues, floods, and the recent earthquake that took place in January 2010 which caused displacement for many Haitians. An international intervention and aid has been provided by other countries due to the importance of preventing this disease spreading worldwide.
As of right now, the main priority for U.S., Brazil, Spain, and Japan and along with the help of other countries is to prevent more deaths in Haiti and control the spreading of the disease. The U.S. Government Center for Disease Control has come up with a list of actions to perform to reach the goal. The first action is to hospitalize patients and make sure they survive to reduce the fatality rate. Second, it’s important to make sure people of Haiti are aware of all the treatment centers around them and give them easy access. Next, improving water conditions and educating people about keeping clean and maintaining good hygiene will also reduce the number of people getting infected. Lastly, it’s important for lab surveillances and the government to monitor the disease and be prepared to make any last-minute decisions.
This sentence bothers me:
"There are many causes that have a played a role in this epidemic breakout such as, poor water conditions and sanitation, public health issues, floods, and the recent earthquake that took place in January 2010 which caused displacement for many Haitians."
The earthquake and floods were causes; the poor water and sanitation conditions, public health issues were results of those disasters.
Please work on being clear about causes and results (effects).
Other teachers may have more comments, too.