Posted by Franco on .
I really hope you can check these sentences for me. I tried to rephrase the beginning of chapter five of Shelley's Frankenstein.
1) The scene takes place during a dreary night. It is one in the morning and the rain taps dismally (I need a synonym) against the window panes.
2) Frankenstein collects the instruments of life to infuse life into the lifeless being that lies at his feet.
3) His candle is nearly extinguished, when he sees the dull yellow eye of his creature open.The creature breathes hard and moves its limbs convulsively.
4) Dr Frankenstein finds it difficult to describe his emotions at the sight of the wretch he has tried to form.
5)Victor feels violently ill, as though he had witnessed a great catastrophe. Though he had selected the creature's parts because he considered them beautiful, the finished man is hideous.
6) He has thin black lips, inhuman eyes, and a shriveled complexion. His sallow skin enables to see (the pulsing work of) his muscles, arteries, and veins.
7) These physical traits contrast with his thick, shiny black hair and pearly white teeth.
8) He starts thinking of the two years spent creating the monster. He had deprived his life of rest and health for the sole purpose of infusing life into an inanimate body. He had excessively longed to create it.
1. You can use a thesaurus (www.thesaurus.com) to help find synonyms (and antonyms, too). Here are the many choices for a synonym for "dismal":
I'd choose "dolefully" or "sorrowfully."
2. I'd delete "the instruments of life" and insert "his instruments" -- the words "life" and "lifeless" are sufficient in this sentence.
3. Delete the comma. Add a space after the period. (Why aren't you remembering to do this every time?)
6. Instead of "sallow" you might consider "transparent" or one of its synonyms. Insert "us" after "enables" and keep the words in parentheses.
8. Change that last sentence somehow. It seems more like an introductory sentence than a conclusion. Also, the word "excessively" is not quite right.