Posted by Angelina on Tuesday, November 9, 2010 at 9:04pm.
It is much, much better than the original. The first sentence is 23 words long. That is hard for many readers to take on in the first line.
Some of your word choices are awkward, such as
reflects motivation upon
the radiance of the heart filled with compassion and love...
signifies how...
lead others the right way.
gives out motivation
moving in the right direction
What I wonder if you could simplify what you want to say in those? I think you can.
Do that, and it will read smoothly.
Keep up the good work. The art of expression in writing is gained through practice, rewriting, and choosing words carefully. Emerson was one of the masters.
These are examples of awkward phrasing:
"reflects motivation upon the reader"
"gives out motivation"
Grammatically, everything else looks good. I find a lot of vague phrasing without specific examples or details to explain them (make them not vague). I find no reference to some of the very specific things in the poem in the first place (such as the line about having a healthy child). If your teacher doesn't give you an A, you'll know why.
Ralph Waldo Emerson's poem "Success” is an apt description of being successful because every line has a special meaning. His poem tells all readers to be responsible, respectful, and strong in life. It gives them the willpower to be sympathetic and do good deeds. Ralph Waldo Emerson's poem describes how one can become successful in life by following their hearts and doing justice to others. This poem explains that one can stay content if they change themselves from discourteous to polite. This poem inspires others to be courteous and joyful. It basically tells all the readers to instil themselves and others with good values. I wholeheartedly agree with Ralph Waldo Emerson’s description of the concept of being successful in his poem “Success”.
Related Questions
Writeacher-Repost - Writeacher I have to do a paragraph about the poem "...
Writeacher - Writeacher I have to do a paragraph about the poem "Success&...
Repost of paragraph - Ralph Waldo Emerson's poem "Success” is an ...
Success - What is your definition of being successful? I suspect that your ...
Early American Literature - I had to read an excerpt from Ralph Waldo Emerson&#...
english - how can i interprete this quote: "fear always springs from ...
English - What belief does Whitman share with Ralph Waldo Emerson and other ...
english - Which of the following statements BEST explains why "I Am ...
American Literature - How do you think Ralph Waldo Emerson, author of "...
English - How to eat a poem Don't be polite. Bite in. Pick it up with your ...
For Further Reading
