posted by Kayla on .
Would someone look over my paragraph and let me know if and where I need to make improvements
In Garrett Hardin's "Lifeboat Ethics", the paragraph that touched me the most is "Overloading The Environment". Hardin talks about India and how the population is continuously growing while the environment is being "overloaded". Hardin states "The country's forests are now only a small fraction of what they were three centuries ago" (420) This is happening all over the world today, the population is growing while the environment is being destroyed. The rain forest is consistently in danger and soon, there will be none left. This destruction is doing extreme harm to the environment and making it impossible for future generations to survive. Today their are many groups and organizations who fight to protect the rain forest because they know what will become of it in the future, however, not many seem to care.
It is hard to critique, because I don't know the purpose of the writing. Given that, the following things are flags to me:
First line "that touched me". Reword
Second line "Harkin talks..". Really,or did he write?
Third line why is overloaded in quotes?
Fifth line "This is .." What does the "this" refer to?
Seventh line: "will be none left". Hmmm, that is pretty strong. Do you have a cite for that?
Ninth line: "..impossible for..to survive" Really? Do you have a reference for that?
Ninth line: "Today their .." there
tenth line" "who fight.." They really fight? I would like to see that.
tenth line: "because they know.." who knows, the fighting people, or the forests?
Last line: become of it in the future. What does this mean? Many seem not to care? How did you make that conclusion, I don't see any development for that conclusion in the paragraph.
I enjoyed reading the paragraph.