Please help with my narrative essay, running sentence, incorrect sentence context etc.My teacher asked me to give my paper to native English speakers to correct more and my friends did not take my paper too seriously. Your help is appreciated!
When I was Africa my mind and heart was indulged in other things such as survival needs and my admiration to be thin has never crossed my mind. In search of good life, one day our brother retrieved my family and I from our country and moved us to the United States of America. Life in America was an amazing; fresh water, huge TV, shelter and I was quiet fascinated by the thought of me being in a classroom, sitting in clean, designed chair. For the first time in my life I learned to write, read in English and in my language.In America I had everything I never imaged to have. As years went by I began to adapt to the media, bought teen magazines and the magazines generally talked about how to be pretty, skinny etc. The images in the magazines heavily influenced me the way I looked at myself and I wanted to be just like them. In my former country, I appreciated food and it was very hard to eat two meals in a day, because of poverty but now I started to minimize what I eat, followed diet of 400 calories in day and did mini work out sessions. It is not like I was extremely chubby, I just wanted to be fit and pretty like the girls on the magazines. My abnormal behavior has baffled my parents they say, I am only going through phases and that this behavior will end soon. Nevertheless, my abnormal behavior has baffled my parents; they say I am only going through phases and that this behavior will end soon. However, this thin obsession has caused me to do poorly in school and my admiration for education drastically diminished. I felt I was losing my identity and I sadly forgot what I came to America for which is to have a better life and to get an education. I begin a reflection of myself, I remembered living in my homeland, not having an education, good shelter, clothes that are expensive to buy. And how I am lucky to be in America and the fact that I am not taking an advantage of the opportunities that I have in here. Nonetheless, I management to deprive this illness way even though it was difficult to change my old habits of counting calories. My family supported me on journey of becoming normal again. I regained my confidence and body image issues dispelled. I was no longer attempted to buy teen magazines and follow their advices.
English - Writeacher, Monday, October 4, 2010 at 6:19pm
1. Please divide your paper into paragraphs. When you re-post it, please put an extra space between paragraphs (press the Enter key twice at the end of a paragraph).
2. Below are your first three sentences with corrections, but you will need to read them carefully and compare them with what you wrote. Then you will need to look for similar problems in the rest of the sentences.
When I was in Africa, my mind and heart were involved in things such as what it took just to survive. My desire to be thin had never crossed my mind.
One day, in search of a good life, my brother led my family and I from our country and moved us to the United States of America.
Life in America was amazing: We had fresh water, a huge TV, and shelter. I was quite fascinated by the thought of being in a classroom, sitting in a clean, well designed chair.