This is an essay. The tiltle was introduce myself. I decided to make it in the sahpe of a diary entry. what do you guys think. Is it good enough:
26th September 2010
Dear Diary,
Today I had to wake up at 7.00pm so that at 7.30 I was at church where I met my friends from the youth group at the parish. We spent the day washing cars for charity. It was very tiring, but at the end of the day I felt a great sense of satisfaction. The feeling I feel after helping someone cannot be described. Tomorrow morning is my first day at school. I am really looking forward for it; I always look forward for new experiences. Now, I should really get to bed after a very tiring day. I don’t want to be asleep on my desk at the first day of school!
27th September 2010
Dear Diary,
Today was my first day at the new sixth form. It was not bad although I ended up spending break time eating alone. I really hate feeling lonely. This does not usually happen to me since I find it easy to make friends but I expected this to happen to me today. On the other hand the people at school look really friendly and kind. The school organises many social activities, I am really looking forward to these since they are splendid opportunities to make new friends. In the evening I had a band rehearsal. We practiced some new songs which we will play during our next activity.
28th September 2010
Dear Diary,
Today I did not have school so I decided to sleep a little longer. When I woke up I listened to some music. Rock music attracts me the most because of its simplicity, musical value and melody. Since I know what it means to be in a band I appreciate it the most. I practiced some piano, guitar and did some voice training and then left to meet my friends at my old school. I really miss my old friends and strangely enough even my teachers. In the evening I spent some time with my parents. I usually get along with them but sometimes we do quarrel, and sometimes we quarrel badly too!
29th September 2010
Dear Diary,
Today was my second day at school. Things are already much better since I am getting to know more people. Teachers at the school also seem very good. Computing lessons are really interesting and I hope that they will help me with my aspiration of becoming a Graphic Designer. Pure Maths is really challenging but I am confident that I will do well. After school I watched some television. On the news channel there was an update about the situation in the Middle East. I really believe that people there could compromise if they wanted to but unfortunately they are too power hungry. In the evening I went to church and after the mass I had an activity organised by the youth group I attend.
30th September 2010
Dear Diary
I had school again today. I had a free lesson, which was a great opportunity to make friends with my mentoring group. I found out that I was not the only one feeling strange in this new experience, this put my mind at rest! My English teacher also gave us our first essay. She asked us to write about ourselves. I decided to hand in the diary entries for this week since they tell enough about me! What do you think about this idea? Do you think it’s original and creative? I spent the evening doing my homework. I really want to take my A levels seriously and get top grades.
Were you given the option of making your essay into a journal? If not, you'd better check with your instructor. If you have been assigned to write an essay, but you write journal entries instead, you could get a zero on the assignment -- unless your instructor gave you options.
My teacher said that we can introduce ourselves in any way. I asked her if writing a journal is ok. She said its ok with her. Does the journal introduce me well?
In some ways, it's fairly redundant -- e.g., "Today" is the first word of all but one of the entries and the last one has the word "today" in the first sentence. Very repetitive and rather boring.
In the first entry, I'm sure you mean 7:00 a.m., right? Note that you need a space between the hour and "a.m." each time.
This sentence is very strange: "The feeling I feel after helping someone cannot be described."
1. "The feeling I feel" = silly repetition
2. You NEED to describe the feeling -- or delete this sentence. Writing vague sentences like this without explanation and detail is pointless.
This part sounds strange, too: "It was not bad although I ended up spending break time eating alone. I really hate feeling lonely. This does not usually happen to me since I find it easy to make friends but I expected this to happen to me today." There's quite a bit of redundancy and maybe even contradiction here.
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Please go over your entire paper with the following in mind. Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
[You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! (The latter works really well!)]
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other people are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
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And here are three really good websites that will help, too.
http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/10/28/editing-secrets-everyone-should-know/
http://teacher.sheboyganfalls.k12.wi.us/staff/dehogue/FSSH/proof.htm
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/proofing.htm
Thanks so so so so so so so much!!!
You're very welcome. Feel free to re-post once you have revised and rewritten it.
Ok, so I took your tips. I don't know what to think about it now :/.
26th September 2010
Dear Diary,
Today I had to wake up at 7.00 am so that at 7.30 I was at church where I met my friends from the youth group at the parish. We spent the day washing cars for charity. It was very tiring, but at the end of the day I felt a great sense of satisfaction. After helping someone I really feel proud of myself. Tomorrow morning is my first day at school. I am really looking forward for it. I always look forward for new experiences! Now, I should really get to bed after a very tiring day. I don’t want to be asleep on my desk at the first day of school!
27th September 2010
Dear Diary,
I woke up at 6.00 am today feeling very excited! Today was my first day at my new sixth form. It was not bad although I spent break time eating alone. I really hate feeling lonely. This does not usually happen to me since I find it easy to make friends. On the other hand the people at school look really friendly and kind. The school organises many social activities and I am really looking forward to these since they are splendid opportunities to make new friends. In the evening I had a band rehearsal which I was very looking forward for! We practiced some new songs which we will play during our next event. I can’t wait for it to arrive!
28th September 2010
Dear Diary,
Luckily I did not have school today so I decided to sleep a little longer. When I woke up I listened to some music. Rock music attracts me the most because of its simplicity, musical value and melody. Since I know what it means to be in a band I really appreciate bands. After some voice training, piano recitals and guitar exercises I left to meet my friends at my old school. I really miss my old friends and strangely enough even my teachers. In the evening I spent some time with my parents. I usually get along with them but sometimes we do quarrel, and sometimes we quarrel badly too!
29th September 2010
Dear Diary,
Today was my second day at school. Things are already much better because I have made some friends. Teachers at the school also seem very good. Computing lessons are really interesting and I hope that they will help me with my aspiration of becoming a Graphic Designer. Pure Maths is really challenging but I am confident that I will do well. After school I watched some television. On the news channel there was an update about the situation in the Middle East. I really believe that people there could compromise if they wanted to but unfortunately they are too power hungry. In the evening I went to church and after the mass I had an activity organised by the youth group I attend.
30th September 2010
Dear Diary
I had school again today. I had a free lesson, which was a great opportunity to make friends with my mentoring group. I found out that I was not the only one feeling strange in this new experience. This put my mind at rest! My English teacher also gave us our first essay. She asked us to write about ourselves. I decided to hand in the diary entries for this week since they tell enough about me! What do you think about this idea? I spent the evening doing my homework. I really want to take my ‘A’ levels seriously and get top grades since I know that they are vital for my future. The future is probably my biggest concern. In the future I want to be satisfied with what I have done in my past and be ready to make a difference in this world.
Much better!
~~ "looking forward for" >> should be "looking forward to"
graphic designer (no capital letters)
The only other things to work on are commas, especially those after introductory phrases or clauses and those needed in compound sentences. Examples:
Introductory element: "On the other hand<~~need comma here the people at school look really friendly and kind."
Compound sentence: "Luckily I did not have school today<~~need comma here so I decided to sleep a little longer."
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
See #s 2 and 3.