I would appreciate your help. I was asked to write a paragraph describing someone's appearance in way that reveals their character. So far this is what I came up with. Tell me what I am missing please. Thanks.
Near by the yard, there set a low spirited woman. She was in her twenty's. She had a big, bright brown eyes and freckled face. She is frozen with sadness, weeping mutely. Her mind is consumed with negativism she endured from such young age. She curled into the porch hopelessly, concealing herself from the world that has been cruel and unfair to her. She wants to free herself from this unending suffocation that is got hold on her.Nonetheless she secretly wants to terminate this heavy internal pain she seems to carry on her back. She sobs, terribly sobs, yet no hand seems to reach out to her, comfort her and release her from this unending grieving.
The person's character is clearly described, but I don't have a clear image of what she looks like after reading your paragraph. I see more character description than physical description. I'm not sure what balance you're supposed to strike here.
I don't think you should remove any character traits, but I do think you need to add more physical description.
Also, you need to work with someone in order to proof this for correcting quite a large number of mechanical errors.
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Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
[You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! (The latter works really well!)]
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other people are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
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And here are three really good websites that will help, too.
http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/10/28/editing-secrets-everyone-should-know/
http://teacher.sheboyganfalls.k12.wi.us/staff/dehogue/FSSH/proof.htm
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/proofing.htm
I agree. Also, make the following changes:
twenty's-->twenties
She had a big, bright brown...-->She had big, bright brown...
Your paragraph does a good job of describing the person's appearance and expressing their sadness and pain. However, to better reveal their character, you can consider adding a few specific details that provide further insight into their personality or backstory. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Physical posture or mannerisms: Describe how the woman carries herself or any noticeable gestures that hint at her character. For example, "She hunched over, shoulders slumped, as if the weight of the world rested upon her frail frame. Her hands clutched tightly to her chest, a desperate attempt to hold herself together."
2. Clothing or grooming: Mentioning the woman's choice of clothing or overall appearance can give readers more context about her character. For instance, "Her disheveled hair fell loosely around her tear-streaked face, as if she had long abandoned the luxury of caring for her appearance. Wrinkled, worn-out clothing clung to her thin frame, telling a tale of hardships endured."
3. Setting or surroundings: Describing the environment around the woman can provide additional clues about her character. Consider mentioning elements that reflect her circumstances or evoke certain emotions. For example, "The cracked wooden porch creaked beneath her weight, mirroring the fragility of her spirit. A faded photograph, long forgotten, peered out from beneath her threadbare blanket, a reminder of a happier time that seemed impossibly distant now."
By incorporating these additional details, you can paint a richer and more nuanced picture of the person's appearance while also revealing their character.