I am required to write 2 different paragraphs for a Penn Foster Assignment.

In paragraph 1 I am to bring a polished paragraph on what inspired me to choose my career and why. The second paragraph is about an e-mail to my cousin about a job opening she usually would not consider. Please critique my work.

Paragraph 1

I am interested in the assistant medical billing and coding specialist’s position at the Andrew Young Health Center because, I enjoyed helping behind the scenes in the medical profession. The job requirements included research, coding the medical diagnoses, and filing all charts appropriately. When I discussed the job with Wendy Cross, the human resources manager, the requirements reminded me of my experience as an intern at the Crisis Pregnancy Center. The internship was for a degree in psychology. I expected to shadow a crisis counselor. Instead, the experience at the Crisis Pregnancy Center included data entry, basic coding, and filing. I entered patient information, diagnosis codes, and prepared the codes for billing. The experience opened my eyes to a profession that I never knew existed. I realized that the coding was very important to the Crisis Pregnancy Center because, they were understaffed and underfunded. My assistance during that year gave the program the opportunity to help more women in crisis. Because of my experience, I learned how I could make a difference in the medical field. I wanted to have that experience again at the Andrew Young Health Center.


Paragraph 2

Dear Cousin Linda, your professional personality, and skills are perfect for the executive assistant position available here at Andrew Young Medical Center. Dr. Andrew Young, the head physician at the center, expects the executive assistant to work from 8am to 5pm. The job requirements are for an energetic assistant, who has computer skills, multi tasking abilities, and professionalism. The assistant will also be required to run the office, keep up with all appointments, and maintain a proficient atmosphere. Dr. Young needs your skills because you are capable of managing this office. Linda, I know your abilities include: opening a store, running a computer, keeping several schedules, answering a multi-line phone, and smiling while you multi task. You can maintain order during any emergency. You are capable of anticipating your employer’s requirements. However, your greatest asset is your ability to concentrate completely on the task, while communicating with others in a professional manor. Your personality and aptitude fit together perfectly with Dr. Young’s requirements and unspoken needs. Please apply for the executive assistant’s position.

These are excellent.

However, in the second paragraph, "maintain a proficient atmosphere," "professional" is a better word.

Paragraph 1:

Overall, your paragraph is well-written and effectively explains what inspired you to choose your career in medical billing and coding. You provide specific examples of your experience as an intern at the Crisis Pregnancy Center and how it opened your eyes to the importance of medical coding. Additionally, you express a desire to make a difference in the medical field and how the assistant medical billing and coding specialist position at the Andrew Young Health Center aligns with your career goals. One suggestion for improvement would be to provide more insight into why you enjoyed helping behind the scenes in the medical profession. What aspects of the job appealed to you? What skills or interests do you have that make you a good fit for this career? Expanding on these points would strengthen your paragraph and provide a clearer understanding of your motivation.

Paragraph 2:

Your second paragraph effectively describes the job opening for an executive assistant and why you believe your cousin, Linda, would be a good fit for the position. You highlight the specific skills and abilities that make her qualified for the job, such as computer skills, multitasking abilities, and professionalism. You also mention her experience in managing a store, running a computer, and handling multiple schedules. However, one suggestion for improvement would be to provide more context or examples to support your claim that Linda is capable of maintaining order during any emergency and anticipating her employer's requirements. Providing specific instances where Linda demonstrated these skills would add credibility to your email and make it more persuasive. Additionally, it would be helpful to explain why you think Linda's personality and aptitude fit perfectly with Dr. Young's requirements and unspoken needs. What specific qualities or characteristics does Linda possess that make her an ideal candidate? By providing more detail in these areas, your email will be more convincing and compelling.

Overall, both of your paragraphs are well-written with clear explanations and descriptions. With some minor improvements, they will effectively convey your thoughts and make a strong case for your chosen career and job recommendation.