You need to read the requirements (Ensure the following elements...). Find in your essay exactly where each bulleted item is located.
I didn't find a thesis statement.
You have some word choices that are weak.
Reread your sentences slowly to find them.
Overall, interesting. I would like to read the same assignment written by one of your school black friends.
Make certain you addressed the requirements stated (ensure that ..), that is a major grade component.
I am not sure what you mean about following the elements? Do you mean I should include Your Community, Challenges, employer, and etc? If this is correct do I make them in bold?
I am working on rereading it one more time and I hope I catch it. I have until Sunday to get this exactly right. If you could can give me any feedback will be great.
<<Ensure the following elements are included: >> This is what I mean, the elements listed in your assignment. I didn't recognize some of them in your essay.
BobPursley is trying to tell you to see to it that you address every one of these points in the assignment:
Ensure the following elements are included:
-The thesis addresses racial issues in your local community.
-The content is comprehensive and accurate.
-The paper itself draws on your personal experiences with and opinions about cultural diversity in your community.
-Three sources are used, and one source is a community member, leader, or representative from a local community organization.
-The paper is written in first-person point of view, with an autobiographical approach.
-Text concepts are applied to your observations.
-Assignment questions are answered.
-The paper includes perspectives from supporting sources.
-The conclusion is logical, flows from the body of the paper, and reviews the major points.
-Paragraph transitions are present.
-The tone is appropriate.
-Sentences are well-constructed.
-The paper, title page, and references follow APA guidelines.
-Rules of grammar, usage, and punctuation are followed.
-Spelling is correct.
Have you checked and double-checked every one of these? Made sure you have all these elements accounted for in your paper?
I still haven't found a thesis statement.
I have been working on this the last two days. I found the mistakes that you were mentioning. The only thing is I am not sure how to come up with my thesis and I do I add one to this essay? Do you have nay ideas that might be able to help me?
I think I have came up with my thesis. Let me know what you think.
Even though, I was raised not to be racist everyone deserves to be treated the same because we are all human no matter what color skin we have. In this essay I plain on discussing what kind of community I live in and see if there is any Similarities and differences between me and the leadership positions in my community.
How in the world could you have written this much of a paper without a thesis?
A thesis statement is ONE SENTENCE which states the main idea of your paper, including what your stance is and what you intend to prove by the end.
Here are some sites that give excellent explanations and examples (poor and revised) of thesis statements. Please study them both and then rewrite. Let us know what you come up with.
Okay what about this for my Thesis?
Racial issues vary from community to community. Where I live in Port St. Lucie, Florida there are not many racial issues because the number of minorities is very low. According to the 2009 United States Census Bureau the total population is 18,537,969 people with 79% of that number being white. It is very seldom that I ever see anyone from a different race or culture. Don’t get me wrong, there is still 21 percent of the population left that is divided between other races such as African Americans, Hispanics, and Asians. Even though there is not a very big number of different races in Florida, that does not mean that racism does not exist.
After this thesis statement do I just go on with my essay? The 1st paragraph up above? Or do I need to change that too?
Which ONE SENTENCE? A thesis statement is singular -- ONE sentence.
Even though there is not a very big number of different races in Florida, that does not mean that racism does not exist.
I should clarify this, I think. Your thesis statement is in what you just posted. It's there. You have written your entire introduction, which should INCLUDE your thesis -- and it does. I just want to make sure you recognize which one sentence is the thesis.
Then you will undoubtedly need to drastically revise the rest of your paper. Some of it you will keep; some you will cut; some you will rephrase and/or re-order.
This is why -- before you start writing any paper -- you need to be following the entire writing process, from brainstorming, thesis-writing, planning/outlining to drafting and revising to polishing (editing and proofreading). When you try writing off the top of your head, you generally don't have well organized papers.
Let me know what you think.
Okay Thanks for your help. I will work on this tonight and re-post once I have corrected everything.
Sorry, our posts crossed each other.
Yes -- that's your thesis. Good one!
Now you will need to revise your entire paper so that everything in the paper is there to prove your thesis statement is true.
Let me know what you come up with.
Hello Okay I have spent hours trying to put all this together for you. I hope I did it okay this time since I am so tired. Ca you please read one more time and see what I still need help on. Here is my assignment:
Racial issues vary from community to community. Where I live in Port St. Lucie,
Florida there is not many racial issues because the number of minorities is very low.
According to the 2009 United States Census Bureau the total population is 18,537,969
people with 79% of that number being white. It is very seldom that I ever see anyone
from a different race or culture. Don’t get me wrong, there is still 21 percent of the
population left that is divided between other races such as African Americans, Hispanics,
and Asians. Even though there is not a very big number of different races in Florida, that
does not mean that racism does not exist.
In my community people either looked like me or lived a similar lifestyles,
including many of the same beliefs and morals that we believed in. We had a small
amount of African American and Latin Americans in our community. Most of the people
in my community got along well together. In my family we were always taught that all
people should be respected and that we were all created equal. Racism wasn't tolerated.
We had a few Latin American kids and few African American kids living in our
neighborhood, and we all hung out together. We never looked at what color or race when
we were kids. We were all friends; we ate at each others houses, slept over, and even
were in each others weddings. My friends and I would do normal kid things, like playing
Barbie’s, going swimming, playing tennis, and even riding dirt bikes and plenty other
typical outdoor activities. When I was growing up, we didn't lock our doors. Your best
friend’s mom would and could whoop your butt if you did something wrong. We said
'yes ma'am', 'no ma'am' and 'thank you'. That's just how it was. You helped out your
friends with their chores so they could finish faster so you could go play. We watched
out for one another and enjoyed our lives and childhood.
I grew up playing soccer with the kids in my neighborhood. I decided to play at St.
Lucie County girl’s only soccer team and they all played at sportsman’s park. It made it
more fun, because we got a chance to play against each other. We all knew we would
play together in high school, but it was fun doing it this way as a young girl. There were
about 4 of us girls in the neighborhood that rode dirt bikes, and we would ride for an hour
everyday and then go play soccer. Most of us were latch key kids, who would spend the
day playing and making it home before dark since our parents worked. I wonder
sometimes how so many kids can stay in the house all day playing video games or
watching television, when there is so much you can do being outside with your friends
and exploring the world. My community was relatively small, we didn't have a lot of the
amenities that a lot of big cities had, but we had more of a sense of community and
family that you can't find in a big city environment. We have a small neighbor paper that
talks about things going on in the community and definitely represents the people in the
community. Our television news covers different events (good and bad) that happen
throughout the town, they even have days when they allow kids from the community
report on the weather. I think the people that lived in my community are good Floridians,
very hospitable, caring and helpful. It was an excellent community to grow up in and to
raise a child in. There were some trailer parks that seemed to be quite rundown, but there
are some very good people living there. I wish that the city would pass a clean
community act to assist the trailer parks keep their area clean and looking good, but
people have to want it too. Other than that, most of the neighborhoods were well kept,
and we never had separate neighborhoods with separate races in them. Maybe I was kind
of sheltered, but to me Port St. Lucie was just a small and friendly town. Today, Port St
Lucie is much larger and diverse than it was during the 80's and 90's when I was a child.
For example, when I grew up, the town had two high schools, now they have six of them.
The minorities in my community were treated well, like any other person, as far as I
could tell. We all treated one another like family, and you could find people of different
races living, working, going to school and shopping all in the same places. I remember
when I was in high school noticing that the students did hang out in different and
somewhat separate ways; most of the African American guys hung out in one particular
hallway, while the 'rednecks' hung outside because they were dipping and smoking, while
everyone else just blended in between the two. The year I graduated high school, we
voted as a class for a black homecoming queen. We found out that it was the first time in
our school's 40 year history that a young black woman was elected as homecoming
queen! She was so awesome and deserved to win. She is was of my best friends at the
time and she totally deserved it! She also danced with me in a group called the South
Florida Dance Club, who was a popular dance group in the State of Florida, and
performed all over. We traveled all summer long and competed in State competitions all
over South Florida. My friends always gave me a tough time; but when they saw me
compete they all loved it and thought it was pretty cool.
Through out this course, my text covered a wide array of ethnicities and cultures such
as: African, Hispanic, Asian, Muslim, and Arab Americans; and educated students about
issues of race and ethnicity by presenting historical and modern perspectives on diversity
in the United States. As a result, the text or manuals contained information and details by
and about people in my community. There are several forms of media in America such
as: advertising, digital and electronic, print, mass, broadcast, news, and recording. The
intent is to reach a very large audience such as the population of a nation state. The local
media does represent all different type’s people and will publish, print, or broadcast any
topic that may interest the citizens. For example, for any person who was involved in
some way with our 44 President’s election, campaign, or inauguration is knowledgeable
on the role the social media played within my community. I am a big fan of the news and
talk radio as I spend endless hours commuting in traffic, and there was never a day that
the social media networks did not inform the Americans citizens on new information
about trail of Barak Obama. To me this was clearly a new era in communication. Often
there is bad news about incidents, misfortune, or disasters with in my community. In this
case, I do not believe that the media misrepresents the people with in my community
alike or different. I believe that the purpose is to inform the citizens on the latest news
and topics. I do not believe that race, traditional belief, or ethnicity has a major effect on
the information that is imparted on the American people.
There are a few challenges minorities face here in South Florida, one of them being
the housing conditions and another is income. According to the United States census
bureau from 1995- 2000 minorities living in the same house hold the ages range from
five years and up living in the same house. That is 50.9% out of 143,000 people living in
Florida. I think this number is high and there should be some kind of funding for low
income and minorities to get them in a home of there own. This will also affect the
income issue’s minorities face as well. Some of the minorities do not speak good English
so it is hard to find work for them. This would be challenging if you were trying to
support a family and raise children. According to (TCPalm) they offer classes at the
local community center for people that do not speak English. This is a great idea for those
people that are wanting to learn to speak English.
I have been with my employer now for the last six years. I work for a Construction
Company in South Florida. My companies’ minority ratio is about 80% Hispanic. So I
would say they do treat everyone fairly. No we do not have any discrimination policies.
Overall I think they are a great company to work for and everyone that works here is very
nice and we all work together as a team with all different races. I think this is what makes
us such a great company in this difficult time in this economy.
I ended up interviewing my son’s doctor his name is Dr. Jampol. I asked him what are
the most two important issues facing minority groups in our community today? He
quoted that the first issue that we have here in Florida would be the work environment.
We have a lot of minorities trying to find jobs. Most employers do not hire people that do
not speak English. He suggested that they take some local classes to learn how to speak
English to get a good paying job. We also face troubles with housing for minorities since
they do not have proper credit or jobs it is hard to find a place to live. If we could resolve
inequities I would recommend that all immigrants should have to take some classes to
educate them on there English and prepare them for future jobs.
Check for singulars and plurals. There are many singular/plural errors that may be occurring because of revising on computer.
Comma AFTER "Florida" as well as after "Port Lucie"
Clarify who "we" are.
Overall, the content is fine. But there are lots of little and big errors all over. The best way to catch all these is to read it aloud -- either you read it to someone else or ask someone else to read it aloud to you. This is almost foolproof!
Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
[You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! (The latter works really well!)]
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other people are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
And here are three really good websites that will help, too.
Someone directed me to this site. My store is not the one you described and is not in Port St. Lucie. I am in Jacksonville and am known as an upstanding, historical, and patriotic establishment. Your description is closer to a shop in Kennesaw Georgia. You need to delete the name of my established business from this report. You will see the problems of being sued for slander much worse than a failing grade for writing a lousy paper.
How sad...I see no reference to any business other than one that was referred to in PAST TENSE.
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