Yes, you have the right idea.
Now let it sit for a day or so -- and go back and edit it. For instance -- you've over used "very" and that word should be omitted.
Also note that "would of been . . ." should be "would have been . . ."
Also -- "I want to be the one that . . ." should be "want to be the one who . . ."
We'll be glad to check your revised version.
okay so i did some editing ...is this something I could submit??
My medical history is the main reason I am applying for the Medical Transcriptionist job at Lancaster Otolaryngology. My ENT discovered an unknown growth in my maxillary sinus and had it removed. It was called a Schwannoma. It was extremely rare to grow in this location and my ENT was shocked by her discovery. It was overwhelming to have such a rare condition but it has made me take interest in this specific job. I would have liked to be the person that documented my doctor appointments because it would have been very interesting . I am curious to learn more about new diagnoses doctors have made as well as treatment options. I want to be the one who documents these kind of procedures.
I'm a former HR person and I'm a perpetual patient.
How about "The main reason I am applying for...is my...
It's a bit wordy, I think. You are writing to a group of otolayngologists. They'll know the terminology. Pare it down to "I had a Schowanna removed from my maxillary sinus at age ___. It was overwhelming...
You've also got a grammar thing going on. It can either be "I would have liked to have been the person who..." (that's looking back--not great for applying for a job) or "I want to be the person who documents..." (looking forward and ahead to the future.)
You've also mentioned documentation twice. If you go with my second option, you can cut out your last sentence entirely.
You demonstrate that you’re able to work through all stages of the writing
process to produce persuasive writing. To accomplish this assignment,
you apply skills and rules taught in the first five study units.
Ten years ago, you started working as a clerk for DMD Medical Supplies.
Six months ago, Liz Jakowski, the human resources director, promoted
you to office manager. You manage two employees: Jack Snyder and
Ruth Disselkoen. Your office provides secretarial support for the four
members of the executive team. Two years ago, Liz had assigned Jack to
support Ralph Alane and Jessica Hilo. Ruth was assigned to Samuel
Daley and Frank Daley. The work flow was equally balanced.
You’ve noticed that in the last three months Ruth has cut her breaks
short to complete her work, complains of being tired, and at least twice
a month requires overtime hours costing the company an additional
$200 a month. In the last three weeks, Frank Daley has complained to
you a few times about the poor quality of Ruth’s work.
On the other hand, over the last three months, Jack frequently seems to
have little to do. He has begun coming in late a
couple times a week and taking more than the allotted break times.
What work he does have, however, is always professionally completed.
Clearly, you must investigate to determine what is causing this change
and how to improve the situation. Since nothing has changed in the personal
lives of either Jack or Ruth, you conclude you must focus on the
in-office work situation. You learn the following facts:
• Samuel and Frank Daley share a part-time administrative assistant
who works only 15 hours a week.
• Ralph Alane and Jessica Hilo share a full-time administrative
• Jessica Hilo has been on medical leave for the last four months,
and Liz Jakowski isn’t sure whether Jessica will be able to return
• Jessica’s duties have been temporarily reassigned to Ralph and
Although you don’t have the authority to change who Jack and Ruth are
assigned to work for, you clearly need to change the work the two do so
that both Jack and Ruth work regularly without requiring overtime.
The school will use the following criteria to evaluate your two paragraphs.
Be sure you’ve revised and edited your work after reviewing
• Ideas and content (development and unity) (20 points)
You’ve thoughtfully divided the Section 2 information into two balanced
paragraphs. In each paragraph, you present one clear main
idea. Each of the two main ideas directly relates to the assigned
purpose and audience: persuading Liz Jakowski to implement your
solution. You effectively combine applicable information from the
Background with insightful details of your own to develop a stepby-step
plan. Those details are knitted together with reasonable
explanation that includes the benefits from implementing your plan.
• Organization (coherence and paragraph structure)
You develop the main idea of each paragraph in a logical direction.
The first paragraph flows naturally into the second paragraph without
blurring the two main ideas. Your details fit naturally where
placed. You effectively use connective wording to weave information
and explanation into a cohesive whole.
• Voice (10 points)
Each paragraph maintains a single point of view using appropriate
pronouns and verbs in active voice. In an informal business fashion,
you connect with your supervisor. Your tone and voice give an
engaging flavor to the message; they are appropriate for both the
audience and purpose.
• Word choice (15 points)
Each word works smoothly with the other words to convey the
intended message in a precise, appealing, and original way. The
words you choose are specific, accurate, and energetic. You don’t
use slang, clichés, or jargon.
plz help .dont know how to satart and what to write