Homework Help: writing sentences and paragraph assignment

Posted by courtney on Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 9:34pm.

I have to write these paragraphs for a writing assignment and just wasnt sure is I was doing it right. Need some advice!!

ASSIGNMENT:
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin your rough draft with the topic
sentence, in which you state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience you organized in Step 2. Include
not only details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.

This is what I wrote....

My medical history is the main reason I am applying for the Medical Transcriptionist job at Lancaster Otolaryngology. My ENT discovered an unknown growth in my maxillary sinus and had it removed. It was called a Schwannoma. It was very rare to grow in this location and my ENT was very shocked by her discovery. It was extremely overwhelming to have such a rare condition but it has made me take interest in this specific job. I would have liked to be the person that documented my doctor appointments because it would of been very interesting . I am curious to learn more about new diagnoses doctors have made as well as treatment options. I want to be the one that documents these kind of procedures.

Is that what Im supposed to do???

writing sentences and paragraph assignment - Ms. Sue, Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 9:42pm
Yes, you have the right idea.

Now let it sit for a day or so -- and go back and edit it. For instance -- you've over used "very" and that word should be omitted.

Also note that "would of been . . ." should be "would have been . . ."

Also -- "I want to be the one that . . ." should be "want to be the one who . . ."

We'll be glad to check your revised version.
writing sentences and paragraph assignment - courtney, Thursday, August 5, 2010 at 8:36pm
okay so i did some editing ...is this something I could submit??

Paragraph 1
My medical history is the main reason I am applying for the Medical Transcriptionist job at Lancaster Otolaryngology. My ENT discovered an unknown growth in my maxillary sinus and had it removed. It was called a Schwannoma. It was extremely rare to grow in this location and my ENT was shocked by her discovery. It was overwhelming to have such a rare condition but it has made me take interest in this specific job. I would have liked to be the person that documented my doctor appointments because it would have been very interesting . I am curious to learn more about new diagnoses doctors have made as well as treatment options. I want to be the one who documents these kind of procedures.
writing sentences and paragraph assignment - GaryAllen, Tuesday, September 21, 2010 at 6:23am
I'm a former HR person and I'm a perpetual patient.

How about "The main reason I am applying for...is my...

It's a bit wordy, I think. You are writing to a group of otolayngologists. They'll know the terminology. Pare it down to "I had a Schowanna removed from my maxillary sinus at age ___. It was overwhelming...

You've also got a grammar thing going on. It can either be "I would have liked to have been the person who..." (that's looking back--not great for applying for a job) or "I want to be the person who documents..." (looking forward and ahead to the future.)

You've also mentioned documentation twice. If you go with my second option, you can cut out your last sentence entirely.

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