posted by Clarita on .
I needed to write a well developed compare/contrast paragraph that included 3 points of comparison. It had to have smooth and logical transitions and the purpose and pattern had to be clear. It also needed a clear topic sentence. What I need help with mostly is proof-reading to check for grammar errors, and tense shifts.
When two people share the same blood type and genetic material it is not ensured that they will be exactly alike, as it is true for my sister and I. We both have the same parents and were brought up the same; yet, we are completely different in appearance, behavior and likes. First of all, not only does a 9 year age gap differentiate us but so does how we look. I have a petite figure; I’m 5’1” and weigh just over 100lbs, while my sister, who is only 13 years old, measures 5’6” and weighs 200lbs. She has dark skin, hair and eyes compared to my pale skin, light hair, and light brown eyes. People are usually surprised to see that we are related and joke by asking, “Who do you guys suspect of?” when referring to our father. No matter how much we are teased, we love each other because we know we are the salt and pepper of the family; without us the family wouldn’t be complete. Secondly, we are very different in behavior. To describe the way I am I would use the words focused, confident and self-oriented as for her it would be shy, clumsy and distracted. I have always been a fast learner and very goal oriented, as long as I remember my goal has been to be an successful architect, to built many homes and get recognized by people, nothing has been able to stop me. While my sister has always had difficulty learning and can’t concentrate on a goal long enough to achieve it and worst of all, she gets put down easily. One day she wants to be a teacher, the next a police officer, and the following day she is unsure. Although it is hard for her to know what she wants from life and how to achieve it, I will always support her because after all isn’t that what older sisters are for? Finally, we have very different likes in almost everything, from food to entertainment. I could say this loudly and my sister will be proud of it, she loves food. She is not a finicky eater, for she will eat almost anything edible; whereas, I am very picky when it comes to food. I am a vegetarian and believe that anything in its raw form is the healthiest, I don’t eat out because I can’t control what the cook does and I will not eat meat. My parents prefer taking my sister out to eat rather than taking me, for the reason that she won’t have any buts about the food while I make it almost impossible to eat out. When it comes to music it is the most complicated part in all since she likes listening to rap and hip-pop and I enjoy oldies and regional Mexican. We can really notice a difference when we are in a car; we always end up fighting over the stereo to the point in which we flip a coin to see who get the rights of it for the trip. No matter how different we might be we will always be alike because thanks to our parents we share the same blood and genes.
You have used what is casually called "zig-zag" organization -- and it is difficult to follow. Better would be the "block" organization. Here's how:
1. Topic sentence
2. All about your sister
4. All about you
This is not to say that your paragraph will be five paragraphs long. #s 1, 3, and 5 will be single sentences, but #s 2 and 4 will be multiple sentences.
Please reorganize and then repost.