Tuesday
March 28, 2017

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Ms. Sue can you Please edit this; I'll accept any other changes made by you, thanks. Can you please edit this in paragraph mode; it's easier for me to pick out the mistakes I've made that way. Thank You:-)

I feel the pain of pins and needles. I open my eyes and vanish from my dream. There, I find my heart to be thudding and sweat covering me from head to toe. It oozes out of unknown pores. The sharp pain in my stomach starts to arise. I am frightened; I do not at any cost want to throw up. I scrunch up my body and start to swallow; each time more rapidly. There was no way I was going to let this volcano of vomit erupt on my bed, so I run to the bathroom and let it explode in the toilet. As it makes its arrival up my throat, tears shoot out of my eyes, and everything goes blank. I thought that I would fade out, but luckily I didn’t. My stomach feels really empty, and hurts like grief. I don’t feel like getting up; I wish to get rid of this pain before the weekend arrives. I freshen up and unlock the bathroom door, I hear voices; it’s my mom. She asks me if I’m alright. I tell her that I have caught the stomach flu and am feeling really frail. She tells me to go and take some medicine, but I don’t. I am unable to walk and see in the gloomy dark. I go back to bed with a miserable mood and ..........

I am unable to finish the ending with an outrageous sentence.

  • To Ms. Sue - ,

    This is very good.

    You have a great imagination. I know something will come to you for your final sentence.

  • To Ms. Sue - ,

    Ms. Sue does this sentence make sense:

    There was no way I was going to let this volcano of vomit erupt on my bed, so I run to the bathroom and let it explode in the toilet.

    Or could I say:

    I could not let this volcano of vomit erupt on my bed, so I run to the bathroom and let it explode in the toilet.

  • To Ms. Sue - ,

    I like the second one better.

    It's always weak to start a sentence with "there."

  • To Ms. Sue - ,

    I feel the pain of pins and needles. I open my eyes and vanish from my dream. There, I find my heart to be thudding and sweat covering me from head to toe. It oozes out of unknown pores. The sharp pain in my stomach starts to arise. I am frightened; I do not at any cost want to throw up. I scrunch up my body and start to swallow; each time more rapidly. I could not let this volcano of vomit erupt on my bed, so I run to the bathroom and wait for it to explode in the toilet. As it makes its arrival up my throat, tears shoot out of my eyes, and everything goes blank. My body starts to lose its strength and I fall down on my knees. As they touch the cold, flat floor, my body starts to quiver. My stomach feels really empty, and hurts like grief. I don’t feel like getting up; I wish to get rid of this pain before the weekend arrives. I freshen up and unlock the bathroom door, I hear voices; it’s my mom. She asks me if I’m alright. I tell her that I have caught the stomach flu and am feeling really frail. She tells me to go and take some medicine, but I don’t. I am unable to walk and see in the gloomy dark. I go back to bed with a miserable mood and hope for morning sun to wash away all my pain.

    I fixed up this paragraph a little, and randomly made the final sentence. Could you please check to see if everything is in the present tense, because I don't want it to be in the past. Could you also check to see if there are any grammatical errors in here. If my final sentence seems awkward, could you add something in there to make it seem normal. All your help will be greatly appreciated, many, many thanks in return:-):-):-):-)

  • To Ms. Sue - ,

    Also Ms. Sue as you said that its weak to start a sentence with there. My third sentence starts with that word, and If I starts it with I it looks wierd. I don't want to make every sentence staring with I; so you have any suggestio on what I could start that sentence with?

  • To Ms. Sue - ,

    The "there" that starts your third sentence is o.k.

    A few suggestions:

    "swallow; each" >> You need a comma, not a semicolon after swallow.

    "I could not let this volcano" >> I can not . . .

    " I freshen up " >> This should be more exact -- like -- I rinse my mouth and wash my face . . .

    "door, I hear " >> You need a period, not a comma here.

    "really frail" >> Can you find a more descriptive adjective than frail?

    " I am unable to walk and see in the gloomy dark. I go back to bed " >> If you're unable to walk, how can you go back to bed?

    "I go back to bed with a miserable mood . . ." >> How about -- I stumble back to bed, not sure if I want to live or die.

  • To Ms. Sue - ,

    I feel the pain of pins and needles. I open my eyes and vanish from my dream. There, I find my heart to be thudding and sweat covering me from head to toe. It oozes out of unknown pores. The sharp pain in my stomach starts to arise. I am frightened; I do not at any cost want to throw up. I scrunch up my body and start to swallow, each time more rapidly. I can not let this volcano of vomit erupt on my bed, so I run to the bathroom and wait for it to explode in the toilet. As it makes its arrival up my throat, tears shoot out of my eyes, and everything goes blank. My body starts to lose its strength and I fall down on my knees. As they touch the cold, flat floor, my body starts to quiver. My stomach feels really empty, and hurts like grief. I don’t feel like getting up; I wish to get rid of this pain before the weekend arrives. I rinse my mouth and wash my face and unlock the bathroom door. I hear voices; it’s my mom. She asks me if I’m alright. I tell her that I have caught the stomach flu and am feeling really sore? weak?. She tells me to go and take some medicine, but I don’t. I am unable to walk and see in the gloomy dark. I stumble back to bed, not sure if I want to live or die.

    Ms. Sue I followed all your suggestions; thank you very, very much LOL. I used three "ands" in the sentence:

    I rinse my mouth and wash my face and unlock the bathroom door.

    Does it seem okay with the third and in there, or could I change it to:

    I rinse my mouth and wash my face. Next I unlock the bathroom door.

  • To Ms. Sue - ,

    I rinse my mouth, wash my face, and unlock the bathroom door.

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