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March 24, 2017

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The Rochester Institute of Technology in New York State chose 150 students born on June 12 1979. Each one received
a grant of $1,500 per year. These awards were given to select students to honor the school's 150th anniversary which was celebrated on June 12 1979.

my answer

The Rochester Institute of Technology in New York State chose 150 students born on June 12 1979. Each received a grant of $1,500 per year. These awards were given to the students to honor the school’s 150th anniversary.

Does that sound right?

  • English - ,

    I don't see any sentence combining here.

    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/combining_skills.htm

  • English - ,

    how about this for paralleism

    The Rochester Institute of Technology in New York State chose 150 students born on June 12 1979. Each received a grant of $1,500 per year. These awards were given to select students to honor the school’s 150th anniversary.

  • English - ,

    need commas in correct places in the date
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
    See #10

    The revision doesn't make the clear connection between the June 12th date and the school's anniversary date.

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