Homework Help: English

Posted by Sara on Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 8:53pm.

I am working on a descriptive paragraph about a time when I was sick. It's not a whole story. Just a paragraph on how you felt at the starting. I remember getting sick somwhere at the end of Feb. I remember catching the stomach flu~ vomiting; Friday night. My paragraph is down below, and I'll appreciate any changes from you, thanks. I want to make my writing really high levelish. I want the intro to be good, the middle details to be good, and the ending to be good as well.

I want my pragraph to fit this:

The paper is superior and may draw upon any number of factors, such as maturity of style, depth of discussion, effectiveness of argument, use of literary and/or rhetorical devices, sophistication of wit, or quality of imagination. This composition exhibits an effective writing style and a sophisticated use of language.

"Sick all over"

I awakened from my dream, and found myself to be sweating. I tried to go back to sleep, but was unable to. I knew that something was wrong; I had never woken up during a dream, unless if it was a nightmare of course. I tried to scrunch up my body to get rid of the pain. I kept on swallowing and swallowing; each time more rapidly. A volcano was erupting within me; I ran to the bathroom and let it blow out. I felt like I was going to die right there. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep. I felt like staying in the bathroom and not going back to bed. My parents got up as well, and asked me if something was the matter. I told them that I caught the flu my siblings had, and then we all went back to bed. My parents suggested to me that I take gravel, but I was too weak to, and went back to bed. My parents quickly fell asleep, while I was still awake with the stomach pain. I somehow fell asleep later on, praying not to break loose from my dreams again.

All your suggestions and help will be greatly appreciated. I tried to come up with a good title, but if you have any better ideas, then please suggest them onto here, as well as the intro.

English - Sara, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 8:56pm
Please take all your time to go throught this. I want it to be edited well, thanks :-)
English - Ms. Sue, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 9:00pm
This is very good, Sara. I wonder about taking "gravel," though. What is "gravel" in this context?
English - Sara, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 9:11pm
Sorry, I mean taking "Gravol"

Does my pragraph fit this:

The paper is superior and may draw upon any number of factors, such as maturity of style, depth of discussion, effectiveness of argument, use of literary and/or rhetorical devices, sophistication of wit, or quality of imagination. This composition exhibits an effective writing style and a sophisticated use of language.

I changed it a bit. Could you please edit it, I'll accept any changes made by you.:-)

I awoke from my dream sweating with? I tried to go back to sleep, but was unable to. I knew that something was wrong; I had never woken up during a dream, unless if it was a nightmare of course. I tried to scrunch up my body to get rid of the ache. I kept on swallowing and swallowing; each time more rapidly. I knew that a volcano was about to erupt, so I ran to the bathroom and let it blow out. I felt like I was going to die right there. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep. I felt like staying in the bathroom by the sink. My parents got up as well, and asked me if something was the matter. I told them that I caught the flu my siblings had. My parents suggested to me that I take gravol, but I was too weak to, and went back to bed. My parents quickly fell asleep, while I was still awake with the stomach pain. I somehow fell asleep later on, praying not to break loose from my dreams again.
English - Sara, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 9:13pm
Sorry I meant staying in the bathroom by the toilet.
English - Ms. Sue, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 9:14pm
Yes, it fits the requirements.

I suggest, though, that you let it sit a day or two (if you have time) and let your mind mull it over.

My husband was an author and always let his work sit a day or two before editing and reediting it.
English - Sara, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 9:18pm
Alright, thank you :-)
English - Ms. Sue, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at 9:23pm
You're welcome. :-)

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