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Writeacher

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I don't really know what you mean. i looked over my paragraph many many times, and i picked out some errors this time and here it is. i really need help. please. please. please.

Rah! Rah! Bah!

Bah humbug! How excited I was, it was time for me and my class to go to the assembly. The announcements told all the home economic classes to come down. Our teacher led the way and I slowly wandered off the hallway with some of my friends. I tried to walk fast and pass them all because I wanted to meet up with my Best Friend. I had actually promised my B.F that I’d wait for her alone. I was unluckily unable to wait for her because there were teachers around me everywhere. They were telling everyone to go and sit down. So I just decided to go and search for a spot in the gym for us to sit at. I didn’t want to get in trouble by any teachers, so I unfortunately had to break my promise with my friend.

I wanted to sit in a spot in where I could be seen by my friend in a flash. I decided to sit by my other friends and wait for her arrival. We were sitting in a pretty, good, high spot, the whole view was very clear. Finally, she made her entrance and I could tell that she was trying to look for me by her facial expressions. I tried to stand up and holler her name, but it was too late, she had already run back outside to go and look for me. I was all frustrated. I really did not want her to become mad at me and start a commotion. After a few moments, she finally came back and saw me.

She didn’t like the seating arrangement I had made, she wanted to sit in a better spot; away from my other friends. I listened to her, and picked another spot to sit in. She didn’t find that spot comfortable either and told me to go to the other side to search for a better one. Everyone was sitting down, the assembly was almost about to start. I told her to forget about it, and we remained sitting.

Thus, as the assembly started, my ears and eyes were pointing towards the stage; all my focus was headed for the speaker. As I got to know that the assembly was about the B.C Lions, I was kind of down in the dumps. I didn’t actually know what the assembly would be about. I had heard that it was going to be something related with hockey. So, I thought that maybe they would show us a video related to the Olympic Games about it. After seeing the B.C Lions on stage, I was depressed. Generally I really dislike sports, I find them really boring. I had hoped for entertainment.

So I sat there, trying to listen to them as much as I could, but really the B.C lions had come to cheer on all the athletic players, to give them support, and advice; I wasn’t one of them. Slowly, slowly I just withered away in my imagination. Even though, I should have been paying attention, I couldn’t control myself. I started daydreaming about going home and just imagining about the weekend to come.

My friend woke me up a couple of times, and I was back in reality. The B.C lions were calling up people on stage to play opposing games. They played and had fun, but I was deadly fed up. I didn’t find the game that amusing. Later, the B.C Lions asked some people to come and dance. They only called the ones on stage who knew how to; just for fun. They all danced for a couple of minutes, and they all danced finely. I totally spaced out after that. I was unable to remember anything. I guess I have a wild mind.

Just at the end of the assembly, the principal came up and made an announcement. I didn’t hear it clearly the first time, but I heard it the second time. He decided to extend our lunch hour. After hearing that, everyone starting stomping their feet and hollering YAY! We all made our way out the door digging for lunch.

  • English - ,

    Bah humbug! How excited I was,<~~run-on; fix it it was time for me and my class to go to the assembly<~~what assembly?. The announcements told all the home economics classes to come down<~~come down where?. Our teacher led the way<~~add comma; it's a compound sentence and<~~change "and" to "but" since you went a different way I slowly wandered off the hallway<~~how do you wander off a hallway? did you fall somewhere? with some of my friends. I tried to walk fast and pass them all because I wanted to meet up with my Best Friend<~~no capital letters needed here. I had actually promised my her that I'd wait for her alone. I was unluckily unable to wait for her because there were teachers around me everywhere. They were telling everyone to go and sit down. So I just decided to go and search for a spot in the gym for us to sit at<~~delete "at" - it's redundant. I didn't want to get in trouble withany teachers, so I unfortunately had to break my promise with my friend. Move "unluckily" and "unfortunately" to the beginning of each of those sentences; when you put words between the subject and its verb, you create an interruption and it reads choppily.

    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/index2.htm
    Check in here for run-ons and how to fix them, comma uses, smooth sentences, conjunctions and what they mean, etc. Grammar and usage topics are listed alphabetically.

    Now - work on that second paragraph and post it when you've fixed it.

  • English - ,

    PS - "Bah humbug!" indicates that a negative is coming, but your next sentence indicates excitement and happiness -- not negatives. How will you make the beginning of your paper better?

  • Writeacher - ,

    these are the 1st two paragraphs

    As I was working on my sewing project, the announcements made their way to my classroom. The announcements told all the home economic classes to come down to the gym where the assembly was going to be held. We were told that we were going to be having a school assembly a few days ago; I was the only one that didn’t remember about it. Our teacher led the way, but I slowly strolled down the hallway with some of my friends. I tried to walk fast and pass them all because I wanted to meet up with my best friend. I had actually promised her that I’d wait for her alone. Unluckily I was unable to wait for her because there were teachers around me everywhere. They were telling everyone to go and sit down. So I just decided to go and search for a spot in the gym for us to sit. Unfortunately I had to break my promise with my friend because I didn’t want to get in trouble with any teachers.

    I didn’t want to sit all alone and wait for her so I decided to sit by my other friends until then. Finally, as she made her entrance I could tell that she was trying to look for me. I tried to stand up and holler her name, but it was too late, she had already run back outside to go and look for me. I was all frustrated. I really did not want her to become mad at me and start a commotion. After a few moments, she came back and saw me.

  • English - ,

    i want the beginning of my paper to be better then this but i can think of anything

  • English - ,

    My suggestion -- move "Bah humbug!" to a more appropriate place in the paper, and start your first paragraph with "How excited I was!"

    I see you skirted the issue about fixing that run-on.

    It's "home economics" -- needs that "s" at the end.

    You contradict yourself when you write "I strolled slowly" and then in the next sentence "I tried to walk fast..." How will you fix that?

    "...break my promise to my friend..."

    2nd paragraph:
    "...until then." Until when?

    comma after "entrance"

    She was trying to look for you? Or she was looking for you?

    run-on after "late"

    "all frustrated" is slangy -- do you really need an adverb there? what other adverb would work better?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Now -- before you work on other paragraphs, please do what I suggested last night. ...either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you!

  • Writeacher - ,

    1st paragraph.I don't know how to fix that run on still.

    “How excited I was”! While I was working on my sewing project, the announcements made their way to my classroom. The announcements told all the home economics classes to come down to the gym where the assembly was going to be held. We were told that we were going to be having a school assembly a few days ago; I was the only one that didn’t remember about it. Our teacher led the way, but I strolled rapidly down the hallway with some of my friends. I tried to walk fast and pass them as well because I wanted to meet up with my best friend. I had actually promised her that I’d wait for her alone. Unluckily I was unable to wait for her because there were teachers around me everywhere. They were telling everyone to go and sit down. So I just decided to go and search for a spot in the gym for us to sit. Unfortunately I had to break my promise to my friend because I didn’t want to get in trouble with any teachers.

  • English - ,

    2nd para

    I didn’t want to sit all alone and wait for her, so I decided to sit by my other friends until she came. Finally, as she made her entrance, I could tell that she was looking for me. I tried to stand up and holler her name, but it was too late. She had already run back outside to go and look for me. I got depressed at that moment. I did not want anyone to steal the spot I had saved for her. I really did not want her to become mad at me and start a commotion. After a few moments she came back and saw me.

  • English - ,

    3rd Para


    As she ran up towards me, I could see that she was unhappy. She wasn’t down at me; she just didn’t like the seating arrangement I had made. She wanted to sit in a better spot; away from my other friends. I listened to her, and picked another spot to sit in. She didn’t find that spot comfortable either and told me to go with her to search for a better one. Everyone was sitting down, the assembly was almost about to start. I told her to forget about it, and we remained sitting.

  • English - ,

    4th para

    “Bah Humbug”! As the assembly started, my ears and eyes were pointing towards the stage; all my focus was headed for the speaker. As I got to know that the assembly was about the B.C Lions, I was kind of down in the dumps. I didn’t actually know what the assembly would be about. I had heard that it was going to be something related with hockey. So, I thought that maybe they would show us a video related to the Olympic Games about it. After seeing the B.C Lions on stage, I was depressed. Generally I really dislike sports, I find them really boring. I had hoped for better entertainment.

  • English - ,

    5th para

    I knew that the B. C Lions hadn’t come for people like me. I knew that they had only come to cheer on all the athletic players. They had come to give those athletic players support, courage, and advice. As the B.C Lions started their introduction, I totally withered away in my imagination. Even though, I should have been paying attention, I couldn’t control myself. I started daydreaming about going home and just imagining about the weekend to come.

  • English - ,

    6th para

    My friend woke me up a couple of times, and I was back in reality. The B.C lions were calling up people on stage to play opposing games. I could see that they were having fun. I didn’t really find the game that amusing. I don’t know why people around me did. Later, the B.C Lions asked some people to come and dance. They only called the ones on stage who knew how to. They added that in just for fun. They all danced for a couple of minutes, and they all danced lively. I totally spaced out after that. I was unable to remember anything. My wild mind was taking me on so many different adventures.

  • English - ,

    last para

    Just at the end of the assembly, the principal came up and made an announcement. I didn’t hear it clearly the first time, but I heard it the second time. He decided to extend our lunch hour. After hearing that, everyone starting stomping their feet and hollering YAY! All the students made their way out the gym digging for lunch.

  • Writeacher - ,

    B.C. Lions = ????

    You fixed that run-on by putting an exclamation mark after your first sentence!

    The rest is generally fine, but how does one dig for lunch??

  • Writeacher - ,

    ....As the assembly started, my ears and eyes were pointing towards the stage; all my focus was headed for the speaker. As I got to know that the assembly was about the B.C Lions, I was kind of down in the dumps. The B.C lions are a major professional sports team of the Canadian Football League. I didn’t actually know what the assembly would be about. I had heard that it was going to be something related with hockey. So, I thought that maybe they would show us a video related to the Olympic Games about it. After seeing the B.C Lions on stage, I was depressed. Generally I really dislike sports, I find them really boring. I had hoped for better entertainment.


    Just at the end of the assembly, the principal came up and made an announcement. I didn’t hear it clearly the first time, but I heard it the second time. He decided to extend our lunch hour. After hearing that, everyone starting stomping their feet and hollering YAY! All the students made their way out the gym ......

    i cant think of an ending

  • Writeacher - ,

    You still haven't clarified what "B.C." refers to.

    Maybe your ending needs to emphasize that the thought of lunchtime was anticipated much more than on other days ... just to get out of this sports-centered assembly which bored you to sleep!

  • Writeacher - ,

    B.C refers to british columbia. your so nice Writeacher. you helped me. thank u for that.

  • English - ,

    You're welcome.

    Now go and put a really good paper together!

    =)

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