Homework Help: writing sentences and paragraphs

Posted by me too on Monday, February 22, 2010 at 6:11pm.

Paragraph 1

Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

I am very enthusiastic about establishing my career as a Medical Billing and Coding Associate with Dynamic Health Center because I look forward to making a positive impression with the people whom I will work with. I realized that I wanted to work in the Medical Billing and Coding field due my own personal experience of having undergone several different medical diagnoses and procedures before finally undergoing surgery. I, of course, had many medical bills and insurance statements. In a casual conversation with a co-worker at the time, I asked her if she understood about medical billing process. She knew because she worked part-time as a Medical Biller and Coder. She described that Medical Billers were responsible for making sure patients are being billed correctly and talking with health insurance companies on a regular basis to make sure all invoices are paid. She also explained that Medical Coding involved analyzing and coding every duty performed in a medical office properly for billing. I did not know this before asking the co-worker that was how medical bills were processed at a medical facility. Intrigued by this information, I looked further into the career of Medical Billing and Coding and decided that with my customer service and security background that I could join the ranks in this vital profession. I started my training with Penn Foster Career School in Scranton, Pennsylvania. My courses have included training in Office Procedures, Reimbursement Methodologies, Medical Coding (ICD-9-CM, and CPT), Insurance Form Preparation, Medical Information Management and Office Practice, Anatomy and Physiology, Confidentiality of Health Information, Interpersonal Communication, Business English, Medical Terminology, Mathematical Applications, Law and Ethics in Medicine, as well as computer courses in Word and Excel. Upon completion Medical Coding and Billing education, I have gained the knowledge and proficiency in medical billing and collection programs, interpersonal and communication skills, ability to analyze data, and a full understanding of how to read medical invoices and insurance benefits. I also have the ability to multitask, follow through skills, reliability on a regular basis, and a team-oriented attitude. As a Medical Billing and Coding Associate with Dynamic Health Center, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team serving your patients and insurance companies in a timely matter.

writing sentences and paragraphs - bobpursley, Monday, February 22, 2010 at 7:45pm
The assignment is to provide a sample of your polished writing skills, and include an experience that has guided you to the chosen field.

So, it needs to be critiqued on 1) writing skills, 2) the experience description and impact

Let me do a sweep first.
The sentence beginning with "I started my training with Penn..." and ending before "As a Medical Billing.." My question: why is that in the essay? Does it demonstrate your polished writing skills? Does it describe the experience you started off with?

The first sentence is awful if you are trying to set the stage. Let me remove the clutter and restate what you said: I am enthusiastic because I want to make a positive impression with the people with whom I will work" Is that really what you want to do? Do you think your potential employer cares about what impression you might make with your fellow employees? I suspect your employer is thinking about the impression you make on him.
The experience you cited. Way too many details, let the reader read between the lines, you need to be giving the story, not the details. We know Bur Bear walked to the Thorn Patch,but we dont have to be told the details on each rock he stepped over. Cut that down,try to get to the impression it had on you, and why. The secret of polished reading is to keep the reader moving with you, and putting themselves in your story, thinking on it. They don't have to have the same details in their minds as you had. I am thinking on Mark Twain on that: let them be part of the story.
Short sentences are effective. They give a thought, let the reader think. A long sentence tends to loose the reader, they have to go back and reread the sentence to get back on the train of the thought, and often loose their place, wondering what is was, who said it, why, and where is the author going with this, and why, and will it ever end, and the reader wont remember anything you meant to say. Readers remember crafty words well stated.

A good start, but I would like to see you do better.
writing sentences and paragraphs - Geneva, Saturday, May 29, 2010 at 9:18pm
Take a look at my essay and critize please! I need help! It is the same assignment as bobpursley's. Please help.
writing sentences and paragraphs - Geneva, Saturday, May 29, 2010 at 9:18pm
Take a look at my essay and critize please! I need help! It is the same assignment as bobpursley's. Please help.

Paragraph 1
My field of study is Medical Transcription. I would like to work in a hospital, clinic, or a mortuary. The position would look very busy all the time, working with doctors, physicians, nurses, and even morticians. The one hospital that I would like to work at is St. Agnes. It is a wonderful hospital, very respected, caring, and well known. The clinic of my choice would be Camerena Health Center. Camerena Health Centers are also well known and there are quite a few of them and it usually has good doctors. I don’t have a mortuary of my choosing, but it is the one place I would love to be a transcriptionist, an autopsy transcriptionist. The experiences that I have had that inspired me to pursue Medical Transcription were I have been so curious all the time about new diagnoses, new medications, new technologies, and new treatment options. As for my wanting to become an autopsy transcriptionist is because I have no problem working around people whom have passed on and I am always curious to why people pass on, and what caused their hearts to stop. With the Medical transcription or even Autopsy transcription I am learning new every day.
writing sentences and paragraphs - jenny, Tuesday, February 22, 2011 at 12:24pm
Need help writing a introductory paragraph on medical insurance billing and coding career essay
writing sentences and paragraphs - niks, Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 7:25pm
hi can you please help me with this exam if you have already given it because now i am on the same stage and even i have got same assignment ..plz plz help

Thanks
writing sentences and paragraphs - niks, Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 7:25pm
hi can you please help me with this exam if you have already given it because now i am on the same stage and even i have got same assignment ..plz plz help

Thanks
writing sentences and paragraphs - Jean, Friday, February 17, 2012 at 10:40am
Can you please help me with this exam writing sentences and paragraphs.

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