Posted by christy on Monday, February 22, 2010 at 8:00am.
Work and family are both central to our way of life. Finding a balance between the two is an issue of importance to men, women, and employers. The current work standards in United States and the lack of family friendly policies implemented in the workplace has created tensions between work and home life. I will argue that the constant struggle to meet our responsibilities both as employees, but also as breadwinners and mothers and father has ultimately negatively affected the family.
Much better. That first sentence sticks in my craw, but this is a proposal. (central to our way of life...flag waving).
The last sentence is strong, and I think a good basis for a paper.
This is not college level writing. Before you go farther, read these thoroughly and carefully:
http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/07/07/the-differences-between-college-writing-and-high-school-writing/
and
http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/06/21/5-tips-on-how-to-write-a-strong-thesis-statement/
Get rid of "I will argue..." This is 3rd grade writing at best.
Please re-post when you have revised.
Work and family are both central to our way of life. Finding a balance between the two is an issue of importance to men, women, and employers. The current work standards in United States and the lack of family friendly policies implemented in the workplace has created tensions between work and home life. I will argue that the constant struggle to meet our responsibilities both as employees, but also as breadwinners and mothers and father has ultimately negatively affected the family.
I see no difference between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs you posted.
One additional thing:
Your first and last sentences in the revised paragraph you wrote seem to contradict each other. You may not have to turn in a complete explanation of that to your instructor, but you should be prepared to explain how you plan to bridge from that first concept to the last one.
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