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eng college

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Can someone please help revise. It is a proposal for a research paper! Thank You!

Work and family are both central to our way of life. Finding a balance between the two is an issue of importance to men, women, and employers. Therefore, I will argue that the constant struggle to meet our responsibilities both as employees, but also as breadwinners and mothers and father has ultimately negatively affected the family and society as a whole.
I will support my study by analyzing the negative impact of parents work experience, on the family that then spill over into our society. Work schedules have contributed to current social issues varying from delinquency to even obesity. For example, parental work schedules threatening family meals. Inflexible work hours have made it difficult for parents to even provide a good homemade healthy meal for their children, causing obesity in children.

  • ok how about this? - ,

    Work and family are both central to our way of life. Finding a balance between the two is an issue of importance to men, women, and employers. The current work standards in United States and the lack of family friendly policies implemented in the workplace has created tensions between work and home life. I will argue that the constant struggle to meet our responsibilities both as employees, but also as breadwinners and mothers and father has ultimately negatively affected the family.

  • eng college - ,

    Much better. That first sentence sticks in my craw, but this is a proposal. (central to our way of life...flag waving).

    The last sentence is strong, and I think a good basis for a paper.

  • English - ,

    This is not college level writing. Before you go farther, read these thoroughly and carefully:
    http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/07/07/the-differences-between-college-writing-and-high-school-writing/
    and
    http://blog.eduify.com/index.php/2009/06/21/5-tips-on-how-to-write-a-strong-thesis-statement/

    Get rid of "I will argue..." This is 3rd grade writing at best.

    Please re-post when you have revised.

  • eng college - ,

    I see no difference between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs you posted.

  • eng college - ,

    One additional thing:

    Your first and last sentences in the revised paragraph you wrote seem to contradict each other. You may not have to turn in a complete explanation of that to your instructor, but you should be prepared to explain how you plan to bridge from that first concept to the last one.

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