posted by deborah on .
Am i on the right direction?
Descriptive paragraph Deborah Paul
A loyal Friend
My loyal friend Mary Ellen is 48 years old with shoulder length black hair and dark brown eyes. Mary Ellen is very short standing at 5'0 in height and a stocking build. She has some very good qualities like working full time as an RPN in a nursing home taking care of elderly people. Mary Ellen thinks very positive at what she does and works extremely hard. At work they call her Mel for short. Mel likes darts, football, and spending time with her daughter Skye.This lovely lady spends all her extra time doing homework with her daughter that she says is her miracle child. During the summer she loves to sit out in the sun to soak up some of it's hot rays and lather her body with lots of tanning oil hoping to get really dark. During this time, Mary Ellen and I catch up on those lonely days we don't spend our quality time with each other. I look up to her as a big sister, but a true loyal friend and hope to expand my education to be just like her one day.
thank you. still needs work with punctuation. i really don't even know how long these individual paragraphs are to be in sentences.
a stocky build (not stocking!!)
What's an RPN? Are you sure your reader will automatically know what that is?
thinks positively about (not positive at)
"Mel likes darts, football, and spending time..." <~~delete "spending" to make sure your series is composed of all nouns (that's known as parallel construction)
daughter whom (not daughter that) -- her daughter is a person, not a thing.
comma after "summer"
its, not it's (which means "it is")
"on those lonely days we don't spend our quality time with each other" <~~delete "lonely" and add "when" after "days" -- also delete "our"
In the last sentence, change "but" to "and" -- and insert a comma after "friend" and insert "I" after "and"