Punctuation is not your first need. If this is a descriptive paragraph, why are My, We, we, we, Our, our, we, we, I, my used as pronouns? Is this supposed to be a descriptive paragraph of Mary Ellen?
Secondly, your paragraph reads much like a list. Paragraphs should have a unifying, developed theme. Your sentences should work together to develop a picture of what you have seen, heard, felt.
Read these examples:
One other note: the title. Nowhere in your paragraph did you develop loyal friendship. If you title a paragraph "Texas CHili", one would expect something about Texas CHili in the body of the work.
ok i will redo it. is this considered a narrative paragraph will no problems?
Sharing The Phone
Saturday morning Hailey and Melissa wanted to use the phone at 7oclock. I quickly told them that it was too early to call someone. After Hailey and Melissa started to argue, Melissa proceeded to make a phone call. Then I told her they needed to wait. We waited for two hours. Later there was a fight to use the phone. I finally told them that they needed to share the phone and take turns.
Yes, that is narrative. Here are the sharp edges I read:
Sentence1: 7 o'clock reads better if it is 7 AM.
Sentence2: why did they argue? Is proceeded correct? Is started better?
Sentence3: disjointed sentence with the preceeding sentence. Would it be better as ..phone call. I firmly told her..
Sentence4,5: would it be better After two hours of waiting, they began to again fight over the telephone.
Sentence 6: Finally, I told...
It is narrative. Are you proofing your writing?
thank you very much.
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