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i need to know if i need to add any puctuation?Descriptive paragraph Deborah Paul

A loyal Friend

My loyal friend Mary Ellen is 48 years old with shoulder length black hair and dark brown eyes. Mary Ellen works full time as an RPN in a nursing home taking care of elderly people. We went on a trip to the Dominican together in 2009; there we had lots of fun and discovered new experiences that we had never encountered. Her other likes are darts, chicken, and spending time with her daughter Skye. Our children always play together at either of our houses, or at the park where the energetic kids can lose some of their energy. During this time we catch up on those lonely days we don't spend our quality time with each other. I look up to her as a big sister and hope to expand my education to be just like one day.

  • ehglish -

    Punctuation is not your first need. If this is a descriptive paragraph, why are My, We, we, we, Our, our, we, we, I, my used as pronouns? Is this supposed to be a descriptive paragraph of Mary Ellen?

    Secondly, your paragraph reads much like a list. Paragraphs should have a unifying, developed theme. Your sentences should work together to develop a picture of what you have seen, heard, felt.
    Read these examples:

  • ehglish -

    One other note: the title. Nowhere in your paragraph did you develop loyal friendship. If you title a paragraph "Texas CHili", one would expect something about Texas CHili in the body of the work.

  • ehglish -

    ok i will redo it. is this considered a narrative paragraph will no problems?

    Sharing The Phone

    Saturday morning Hailey and Melissa wanted to use the phone at 7oclock. I quickly told them that it was too early to call someone. After Hailey and Melissa started to argue, Melissa proceeded to make a phone call. Then I told her they needed to wait. We waited for two hours. Later there was a fight to use the phone. I finally told them that they needed to share the phone and take turns.

  • ehglish -

    Yes, that is narrative. Here are the sharp edges I read:

    Sentence1: 7 o'clock reads better if it is 7 AM.
    Sentence2: why did they argue? Is proceeded correct? Is started better?
    Sentence3: disjointed sentence with the preceeding sentence. Would it be better as call. I firmly told her..
    Sentence4,5: would it be better After two hours of waiting, they began to again fight over the telephone.
    Sentence 6: Finally, I told...

    It is narrative. Are you proofing your writing?

  • ehglish -

    thank you very much.

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