posted by Stephen on .
I want to improve the flow of this sentence. I would greatly appreciate any insight, minor or major. Here is the sentence, which is intended as a thesis:
L. Ron Hubbard, in founding Scientology, has created a dangerous contemporary cult that suppresses free speech, mistreats and manipulates members, takes part in criminal activities, and misleads churchgoers with a foundation of pseudo-science and science fiction.
The first sentence is fine. It has a long series in it, but the parts of the series are parallel, so it's fine.
The only thing I'd suggest about changing the original is not to separate the main subject from its verb. Put "In founding Scientology" at the beginning of the sentence, not between the subject and the verb. ~~>In founding Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard has created a dangerous contemporary cult...