posted by Kuromi on .
I'm still having a bit of trouble with my introduction and thesis. This is what I have, I hope it's any better.
Greetings and Gestures
All culture groups have various ways of communicating with each other whether it is through speaking, sign language, or body movement. Although most cultures might share the same basic emotions, the different forms of communication may vary from culture to culture, especially when it comes to greetings and gestures. As some forms may be universal with certain cultures, it might not be with others which can cause problems for some when they are not aware of what is allowed and what is not. In addition, because first impression is most important when first meeting someone, it is imperative to handle situations correctly, as some people might take it offensively or personally if not handled the appropriate manner. "While some greetings and gestures may be acceptable in one culture, it may not be so in another, which is why it is important to be aware of the cultural differences to avoid any misunderstanding."
Thesis is in quotes.
My outline is something like this:
This sentence is really awkward:
As some forms may be universal with certain cultures, it might not be with others which can cause problems for some when they are not aware of what is allowed and what is not.
Reword that. Short sentences make for focused thinking and readability.
Other than that sentence, the rest is ok, however, it could use some examples to think on and raise interest.
For example: When you meet, do you shake hands, bow, kiss cheeks, look the person in the eye, or avoid eye contant?
Frankly, if it were mine, I would add something like this, and reduced some of the redundancy in the wording there now.
Introductions are supposed to be that: Something polite, leading to what is coming, but catching interest as one steps into the essay.
Keep it up, you will get there.
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You've definitely made some progress. That's good. Now it's time to make some more progress. Are you unclear on what "catchy" means? You need something in that intro that MAKES THE READER WANT TO KEEP READING. Maybe something along these lines:
Imagine a California businessman striding forward with his right hand extended, ready to shake hands with a Japanese businessman. What will the Japanese man do? Will the Californian be seen as brash and pushy?
Come up with a little tale or vignette or something to engage your reader's imagination. Make your reader SEE and scene in his/her mind.
hmmm okay, I get it now. Thank you!
Thank you Bob, I did have an example like that but was told to take it out. If you read the original you will see that I had included everything you said but maybe I included more than I should have. But yes I will do that.