Grammar and Composition
posted by y912f on .
i need the last paragraph revised by a tutor . (preferably bobpursley)
Since I was a little kid my family has been visiting Asheville, North Carolina, every year for a vacation. I still remember the first time I went there; I was astounded as I entered into the green world of breathtaking beauty, peace, and tranquility. The memory of me standing in the middle of the spectacular meadow surrounded by gigantic trees towering to the sky is still vivid. It was my first time ever visiting such a place. I had never seen so much nature and greenery in any place I had ever been to before. However, the scenery is not the only thing that I love about Asheville.
Asheville, North Carolina, is a fun and relaxing place to visit because of its refreshing river, beautiful picnic spots, and various ice-cream parlors.
My favorite place to go to as soon as I got to Asheville was the river. I would take my shoes off and place my feet inside the cool water of the river. Just the sound of the river’s gentle and even flow was enough to sooth me. My feet felt numb because of the chilly water of the stream, but the warm sun that came through the trees was enough to leave me feeling cozy. Sitting on the bank, my worries were washed away with the river moving downstream.
Near the river, a variety of picnic stops make it difficult to decide, but it all depends on whether one wants to avoid the crowd or find some privacy. My preference is to sit in such a place where there is nothing but nature all around. There is one spot that has a picnic table, and from there you can hear the river behind you. Even while eating, the noise of the soft river flow, easing all your troubles is truly calming.
Paragraph 4 (third point of your thesis)
Near the end of the day, right before heading home, we take a stop at the ice-cream parlor that we love. There is a mixture of different ice-cream stores, but the one that is most liked by my family is the one that gives hand made ice-cream. It’s in the middle of a busy road, surrounded by many other stores. While entering you can smell the sweetness of the different ice-creams in the air. Strawberry cheese-cake is one of my all time favorites so that is what I order. Truly this is a great ending to a wonderful trip to Asheville, North Carolina.
i would really appreciate it if someone could fix up the last paragraph . maybe give me better, more detailed, sentences to add. thanks a lot
Near the end of the day, right before heading home, we take a stop at our favorite ice-cream parlor. It is the only one that has hand made ice-cream. When entering you are struck by the sweetness of the different ice-creams in the air. Strawberry cheese-cake is one of my all time favorites, so that is what I order. The "taste of Asheville" lingers on my tongue as the miles back to......pass beneath the tires.
Do you order a cone, a double dip? any topping? Do you eat it in the shop or in the car. What does it "feel like" in your mouth? What does strawberry cheesecake remind you of?
Notice GuruBlue's comments. You are telling, not showing in language. Showing means feeling, tasting, understanding. I would not say right before heading, but "just before".
Just outside the park, convenient to say the least, is a wonderful ice-cream parlor, with home-made ice cream. The strawberry cheese-cake is hard to turn down. The flavors scent the air with...
This is showing.
i will fix this one up, and then i just have the conclusion left to go
thank you both