Paragraph 3 (second point of your thesis)
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After the trip to the river, the picnic spots were the next stop. There was so much variety that it was hard to decide where to eat. My preference is to sit in such a place where there is nothing but nature all around. There is one spot that has a picnic table, and from there you can hear the river behind you. Even while eating the river is calming you and easing all your troubles. The picnic spots where most of the people crowd and have parties are just not for me.
i know ths is nt descriptive enough..i'm hoping someone can help me fix it up. it is not showing as much as it is telling. please help
You have made the great step recognizing it is telling. Clues: I, me, we. Cast those away. Put the reader there. Don't put yourself there.
Near the river, a variety of picnic stops makes it difficult to decide, but it centers on whether one wants to avoid the crowd, or find solitude. solitude is not automatic here, as day campers abound in some picnic areas, but quietness abounds with nature calming near the soft river flow, while the sun peeks thru, asking what are your cares.
Work on getting rid of I, me, we and the telling. Describe what you felt, not just what you saw. Perhaps you would do well to reread the Twain selection I pointed out.
You are getting there, I am confident you will make it on the revision.
Near the river, a variety of picnic stops make it difficult to decide, but it all depends on whether one wants to avoid the crowd or find some privacy. My preference is to sit in such a place where there is nothing but nature all around. There is one spot that has a picnic table, and from there you can hear the river behind you. Even while eating, the noise of the soft river flow, easing all your troubles is truly calming.
better, only one "My" when you use my, you are telling.
that's all for todya i think
i'll finish it up tomorrow
thanks for all the help
In the third paragraph, we can enhance the description of the picnic spots to make it more vivid and engaging. Instead of simply stating the preference for a natural setting, we can provide specific details and sensory imagery to paint a picture for the reader. Here's an improved version:
After our refreshing trip to the river, we eagerly sought out the perfect spot for our picnic. It was a tough choice, as the options were diverse and each possessed its own unique charm. Personally, I found solace in a sanctuary where nature's embrace was all-encompassing. Nestled away, I discovered an idyllic spot with a rustic wooden picnic table, perfectly positioned to capture the melodic whispers of the nearby river. As we settled down to savor our meal, the gentle symphony of the rushing water enveloped us, soothing our souls and melting away the burdens of the world. Unlike the bustling crowd of partygoers that seemed drawn to more popular picnic spots, this tranquil oasis offered a serene escape, where the only company we craved was that of the scenic landscape around us.
This revised paragraph provides a more detailed and descriptive account of the preferred picnic spot, engaging the reader's senses and allowing them to immerse themselves in the peaceful ambiance.