Posted by y912f on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 2:52pm.
I am determined to make a great writer of you.
Take this sentence:
<<The fact that the water was so chilly had no affect on me because the warm sun peeking through the trees always left me feeling cozy. No words can describe how I felt when I sat there on the wet grass; it was like the water was taking away all the stress and problems I had and washing them away with the current>>
Consider: The water of the stream chilled my bare feet, but I felt only the sun through the trees, and was cozy and snug on the bank. The wet grass as my seat leaves me in a state of wonder at where all my cares have gone, they seem to drift downstream with the cleansing water.
Now work on those sentences, you can make them stand as portraits for all to see and feel. The reader needs to feel what you are describing.
Keep it up.
um...i don't thin i can ever get that good
am i allowed to use your suggestion? :)
No, what I am trying to get you to do is "show" the description, instead of "telling" it. Use words that evoke feelings, not sight. Work on those sentences. Show the reader, not tell the reader.
hmmm okk
...I couldn’t even feel my feet because of the chilly water of the stream, but the warm sun that came through the trees was enough to leave me feeling cozy. Sitting there on the bank, I felt as if the pure water of the river was washing away all my worries with it.
?
yes, close, but try to take "I" out of the picture, and place the reader in. As..
My feet felt numb because.....Sitting on the bank, my worries were washed away with the river moving downstream.
You want the reader to feel it. That is what I mean by showing, and getting away from the telling.
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