To Kuromi - re English
posted by Writeacher .
Your first (and better) thesis statement attempt: "While some are struggling to survive in this world today, Americans should appreciate what they have and realize the benefits this country has to offer them; that with hard work, determination, and a good education, anyone can succeed with the right attitude."
Get rid of the parts I've put in bold and you'll have a much more straightforward thesis statement. It'd be even better if you delete "with" and move "the right attitude" into the series before "anyone can succeed."
Let us know what you think.