10th grade English
posted by Andrew .
Well, it is not quite English.. But it is an essay on my science project. I was wondering if I could get some help on grammar or awkward phrases. Please fix any mistakes in it ASAP..
Asthma, a multi-factorial disease, is caused by family heredity, which is, passed on from one of the parents to their children. In addition, scientists found out that ¡®gene variation raises asthma risk by 60%¡¯ (New Scientist and Reuters , 2007). The population based genetics studies Steve is considering to be involved, are important for both scientists and the public as it helps them to understand more about genetic-based diseases and also contributes to research for discovering the cure for various illness such as the common cold. However, volunteers should be able to think about risks when involving in these studies. Despite the fact that this information is used to benefit the society, it may impact the volunteers as an individual. This being the case, it would be advantageous for Steve not to involve in the study, considering the right use of his health information, for his personal safety and his future.
First of all, there is no guarantee that Steve¡¯s information will be used in a legal and respectable level, including one¡¯s right to contribute his information for the commercialisation. The right to reveal his genetic information to the society is always owned by this 18-year old no matter what. However, ¡®Marketing and advertising strategies used by the biotech and pharmaceutical industry are (also) criticized as an inappropriate means of conveying medical information¡¯ (European Journal of Human Genetics, 2000). Although it is Steve¡¯s choice to confirm his information to be used for the commercialisation, there are certain cases where individuals¡¯ health info was used against their will. Furthermore, sharing his health information only benefits the group, not the individual. Steve¡¯s collected data, in his case asthma, allows scientists and researchers to study more about diseases and even find cures for them, but the actual person who gave away his valuable information may not benefit as availability for him to treat his disease is unpredictable. Rather than allowing the world to know about his genetic identity, it would be wise for Steve to keep his health information for himself.
It is also for the participant¡¯s personal security and family privacy why Steve shouldn¡¯t contribute to the study. It is only recently the government ¡®established guidelines¡¦ and a coding system¡¦ so that subjects and their genetic results cannot be easily connected¡¯ (Answers Corporation, 2004). Before hand, personal health information was easily accessible to everyone. Although they have set up higher level of security for participants¡¯ data, it is still doubtful whether it is safe for Steve to provide the study with his genetic information, as it will simply be protected by an early stage of security. Not only Steve, but his family can also be influenced if he takes part in the study. As asthma is one of those diseases where it runs through your family, people who acknowledge Steve¡¯s symptom can assume his parents and his brother might also have asthma. Although people recognize asthma ¡®as a common disease and not contagious¡¦ people who have asthma can be viewed unpleasant¡¯ (Asthma UK, 2006). They may be able to do the same amount of work as normal people, but it is not the case how the others see it. Before involving in the study, Steve should re-consider his thoughts so he can both protect his personal life and family.
Finally, volunteering to the study can damage Steve¡¯s future life such as job prospects and his coverage on insurance. As mentioned in the article, it is possible that Steve¡¯s genetic information can be used to limit his employment opportunity. Recent survey of genetic counsellors, primary care physicians and patients identified 550 people who had been denied employment or insurance based on their genetic predispositions to an illness (MainsbridgeAnne, 2002). To avoid this ethically improper discrimination, it is better for him to keep the health information to himself. Additionally, people with genes that predispose them to certain diseases may be denied by the insurance companies from being covered. As a result of increasing number of people applying for insurance who has asthma, ¡®insurance companies are getting very cautious in taking on new applicants¡¦ and often rejects certain applicants (who shows signs or has asthma) on coverage of insurance package¡¯ (FreeAdvice, 2009). Rather than losing the privilege of getting help from insurance companies, it is better for Steve to keep his information so that he will receive the benefits that others also have. Therefore, revealing his health information by undertaking the population-based study will ruin Steve¡¯s life in the future.
Although it is recommended for Steve not to participate in the study, it is evident that involving in the population-based health study can benefit both Steve and the rest of the world. By contributing his genetic traits to the study, researchers will be able to study more about the disease, in this case, asthma. The ultimate result can even be a finding of a cure to such illness as the common cold. However, ¡®Given the rarity of serious genetic conditions, the development of genetic screening programs, even in the light of new genetic knowledge, will not lead to the testing of all individuals. Instead, the offer of a test to a large subgroup of them, with the aim of identifying those at higher risk so that more specific tests may be offered could be considered¡¯ (European Journal of Human Genetics, 2000). In other words, volunteers should think of both the positives and the negatives they get by involving in the study, before considering to participate in it.
Population based health study may benefit both the individual and the others in numerous ways. Nevertheless, there are more aspects towards the negative that Steve will face when contributing to the study. Considering his health information to be safe, his personal privacy and security along with his future, it is best for Steve not to participate in the study. People may think that he is being selfish and inconsiderate, but when they are in a situation like Steve, they will feel the same.
which is, passed = no comma = which is passed
¡®gene = strange mark and at the end of the sentence is an upside-down question mark. (Spanish)
population based = hyphen when it's used as an adjective = population-based
is considering to be involved, = either "is considering to be involved in" OR "is considering,"
risks when involving = when invlved
volunteers as an individual = as individuals
not to involve in the study, = not to be involved in
My eyes do not handle sliding up and down correcting th is, so I'll put paragraph #2 in the next answer.
#2: that Steve¡¯s information = Steve's
(perhaps it's the software program giving you these strange marks, or your not hitting the correct key)
one¡¯s right = one's right
¡®Marketing = Marketing. AND the end punctuation of the sentence.
Steve¡¯s choice = Steve's choice
commercialisation = commercialization (perhaps you are using British spelling?)
individuals¡¯ health = individual's health OR individuals' to keep "their"
information for himself. = OR to himself.
participant¡¯s personal = participant's
shouldn¡¯t = shouldn't (if you can't do the contractions, type it out = should not)
¡®established guidelines¡¦ = delete the strange marks and also after system
Before hand,= one word = Beforehand,
set up higher level = set up a higher level
participants¡¯ data = participants' data
Steve, but his family = but his family,
Steve¡¯s = Steve's
¡®as a common disease and not contagious¡¦ = get rid of strange marks and also at the end of the sentence
but it is not the case how the others see it.= not as the others see it?
involving in the study, = being involved in
You might want to move "both" in the last sentence.
#4: volunteering to the study = volunteering in the study
Steve¡¯s future = Steve's
Steve¡¯s = Steve's genetic
primary care physicians OR primary-care
counsellors, = counselors
(When this proofreading is finished, you might like to repost with all the corrections. I'm getting "lost" with all the strange marks and I might miss something. It is too difficult to read for content when stopping so often.)
of increasing number = either "of an increasing number" OR "of increasing numbers
, ¡®insurance = strange marks, plus at the end of the sentence.
Steve¡¯s life = Steve's lfe
#5: involving in the population-based = being involved in...
¡®Given the rarity = get rid of strange marks
may be offered = may be offered,
onsidered¡ = !
get by involving in the study,= nvolving themselves...
#6: Population based = Population-based