Editing of Yr 6 exposition
posted by Perplexepenny,O on .
One of te most common issues that as been endlessly open to debate is relative to ..... "junkfood". Banned of unlimited is the question that I have prepared to discuss in this short easy article including its pros and cons. Whether the sale of junkfood should be legal to a child under the age of twelve conditionally in presence of an accompanying adult. Te topic is currently conferencing between the members of the local community campaiging to prevent this from happening.
1.can show the mistakes I did
2. markout of 45
4.tips on this topic and type of text
5.What level do I write at
6.What is my weakest point
P.s I'm an asian girl my teachers say I write excellenly but with an overflow of vocabulary I'm trying to make it much simpler.Thanks to those who help me espiecially
Sorry the h on the comp doesn't really work
Banned of unlimited? What exactly does that mean?
conditionally in presence of an accompanying adult. = this is very awkward and probably is what your teacher means by "simplifying." = at least drop "conditionally" Plus this is not a complete sentence.
te = the (2 places)
is currently conferencing between the members of the local community = is being discussed, etc.
If what you posted here is NOT the essay, and you tried to "cut and paste" it does not work here. You need to type it all out.
One of the most common issues that as been endlessly open to debate is relative to ..... "junkfood".<~~Delete "relative to ..... " and the quotation marks around "junkfood." When you use quotation marks, you are indicating that you're using someone else's word(s), and you need to cite it properly. This is not an appropriate use of quotation marks! In addition, it's spelled with two words: junk food, snack food, etc.
Banned of unlimited is the question that I have prepared to discuss in this short easy article including its pros and cons. "Banned of unlimited" = what? The rest of this sentence needs to be rephrased or deleted. It's third-gradish to write "I will write about" or anything related. Here's a good webpage to help you write a better introduction: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/intros.htm
Whether the sale of junkfood<~~?? should be legal to a child under the age of twelve conditionally in presence of an accompanying adult.This is not a sentence.
The topic is currently conferencing<~~what? between the members of the local community<~~only 2 of them? Use "between" when referring to 2 people; use "among" when referring to more than 2 people. campaiging<~~sp? to prevent this<~~"this" = what? from happening.
Here's another good website to help you write better introductions:
Now my questions: Have you planned and written at least the first draft of the paper for which this is to be the introduction? If not, then stop right now and go through the entire writing process.
DON'T start any paper's first draft by writing the introduction! How can you introduce a paper that you haven't written yet?
Follow the writing process, whether you're writing for science, history, English, or whatever:
Prewriting: brainstorm, research, plan, outline, thesis statement
Writing: write first draft by starting with section II of your outline; write introduction after the body of the paper is written; write the conclusion last.
Polishing: revise, concentrating first on the body of the paper, then the intro, then the concl (revision = making sure ideas are logical and sequential and support your thesis); proofread (spelling, grammar, usage, etc.)
Do you have a thesis yet? Have you done your brainstorming (and maybe research) yet? Have you written an outline?
Check in the Essay & Research Paper Level.
Let us know.
I fail to understand your thesis, whatever it is. Your point seems to be that there is community discussion on the matter. Surely you intend to do more than that.