Posted by Molly on .
This is the second part. Feedback is appreciated greatly.
During my time in the class I was able to put many smiles on people's faces. With the help of my council, we took part in adopting over twenty families for Christmas, prepared/delivered food baskets for the Veterans, blood drive, participate/raise money for Relay for Life, raising money for the underprivileged children and the children in Uganda, charity walks, volunteering at local nursing homes, and so much more. It broke our hearts and brought tears to our eyes every time we did something for those not so fortunate. We wanted to put ourselves in their shoes instead of just thinking about ourselves. My experience in the class has made be a dedicated individual that puts others before myself. The class gave me an opportunity to show others how passionate, outgoing, hardworking, responsible leader that doesn't let any challenge to big or small go unnoticed.
This is definitely far better than your first paragraph! Better detail.
Here are some questions, though:
1. "the class" = what class?
2. In the second sentence (which is WAY too long!), you have a long series, but the elements of the series are not parallel.
Notice the "faulty" and "corrected" columns.
You have these in your series: present participle (adopting), past participle (prepared/delivered), noun (blood drive), verb (participate/raise), present participle (raising), noun (walks), present participle (volunteering). Choose one form to use and adjust all the others to be in the same form.
3. "prepared/delivered" and "participate/raise" -- choose one in each pair. Don't do this thing with the slash.
4. "It broke our hearts..." = you were saddened by your successes?
5. Read the last two sentences aloud to someone -- or have someone read them aloud to you. You'll find the errors and fix them easily.
PS -- Did you ever fix that vapid first paragraph??