posted by Molly on .
Can you please proofread this for me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Throughout my life, I have been faced with many great opportunities that have helped me become a better person and reach my goals in life. I graduated from ? High School in 2008 with honors and have since enjoyed two amazing semesters here at ?. Words can't explain how the last two years have demonstrated the person that I am and my outlook on life. My senior year of high school was one that I wanted to live to the fullest but didn't know how. I decided to join Leadership were I could demonstrate the true characteristics of a role model and to give back to the community.
Good for you! I assume you will insert the names of the high school and college.
Is "demonstrated" the word you want? Would "influenced" be better?
Might want to italicize "Leadership" if it is the name of an organization. Also add a comma and correct typo.
"...join Leadership, where I could...."
I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.
It's all very vague. No specifics.
This is an example of a very empty sentence: "Words can't explain how the last two years have demonstrated the person that I am and my outlook on life." What are you writing about -- specifically?
were = where
More emptiness: "...true characteristics of a role model and to give back to the community."
Scratch it all and get down to specifics.
It sounds cheezy to me. A college student ought to do better, be more specific, ...what goals in life, and why. What is a better person? The paragraph cries for specifics. The "true characteristics of a role model" makes me cringe, I still remember President Nixon.
This is the second part. Please read. Thanks for your feedback.
During my time in the class I was able to put many smiles on people's faces. With the help of my council, we took part in adopting over twenty families for Christmas, prepared/delivered food baskets for the Veterans, blood drive, participate/raise money for Relay for Life, raising money for the underprivileged children and the children in Uganda, charity walks, volunteering at local nursing homes, and so much more. It broke our hearts and brought tears to our eyes every time we did something for those not so fortunate. We wanted to put ourselves in their shoes instead of just thinking about ourselves. My experience in the class has made be a dedicated individual that puts others before myself. The class gave me an opportunity to show others how passionate, outgoing, hardworking, responsible leader that doesn't let any challenge to big or small go unnoticed.