Posted by Lena on Sunday, May 3, 2009 at 2:09pm.
Is this your thesis statement?
The play, The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare as well as the film, Oh Brother Where Art Thou? by Joel and Ethan Coen clearly displays how Antonio and Ulysses, the heroes, love for another person, gullibility and vanity eventually bring forth their downfalls.
Whether or not this is your thesis, it needs to be greatly shortened or divided into two sentences. There are reference and comma errors in here that make it very convoluted.
When the hero falls in love with another person, he loses all sense of logic and probability which in turn bring's forth the hero's downfall.
(Delete the apostrophe in "brings" -- it's not a contraction or a possessive, simply a 3rd person singular verb!!)
Perhaps all you need to do is make it a bit more general. Try something like this:
When someone falls in love with another person, he often loses all sense of logic and probability.
My thesis is that the unhealable wound inevitabily brings forth the hero's downfall.Should I post my whole introductory paragraph?
Yes, and (just for fun!) put that thesis statement at the end of the intro paragraph, please.
All humans have weaknesses and those weaknesses differentiate from person to person. However, regardless of the type of weakness a person possesses, that weakness ultimately brings forth that instigator’s downfall. The same can be applied to the journey of a hero. The play, The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare as well as the film, Oh Brother Where Art Thou? by Joel and Ethan Coen clearly displays how Antonio and Ulysses, the heroes, love for another person, gullibility and vanity eventually bring forth their downfalls. Therefore it can be seen that the unhealable wound inevitably brings forth the hero’s downfall during his journey.
Rearraangement:
All humans have weaknesses, which vary from person to person. In the plays, The Merchant of Venice, by William Shakespeare, as well as the film, Oh Brother Where Art Thou? by Joel and Ethan Coen, the heroes' unthinking love for other people clearly displays gullibility and vanity that eventually brings forth their downfalls.
Now to decide where to place these sentences -- or to delete one and keep the other -- or combine the thoughts and make them into one concise sentence:
Therefore it can be seen that the unhealable wound inevitably brings forth the hero’s downfall during his journey.
However, regardless of the type of weakness a person possesses, that weakness ultimately brings forth that instigator’s downfall. The same can be applied to the journey of a hero.
Try to follow the pattern shown here for your introductory paragraph:
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/intro.html
Currently, your intro contains too much repetition.
After the intro, add a transitional sentence at the beginning of the next paragraph, such as I suggested before.
In your next post, please include your revised intro and your second paragraph with the transitional sentence at its beginning.
I'll check back in about 30 minutes.
" the heroes' unthinking love for other people clearly displays gullibility and vanity that eventually brings forth their downfalls. "
For my essay I am talking about three unhealable wounds; love, gulibilty, and vanity. Would that sentance still work?
All humans have weaknesses, which vary from person to person. However, regardless of the type of weakness a person possesses, that weakness ultimately brings forth the instigator’s downfall. In the play, The Merchant of Venice, by William Shakespeare, as well as the film, Oh Brother Where Art Thou? by Ethan and Joeal Coen, both effectively display how the unhealable wound inevitably brings forth the hero’s downfall. In the play, The Merchant of Venice and the film Oh Brother Where Art Thou? ,the heroes' unthinking love for other people, gullibility and vanity eventually brings forth their downfalls.
----------------
I`m not too sure how to put in a transition sentance from the intro to body paragraph. I thought I would just go into saying "when the hero falls in love with another person, he loses all sense of logic and probability, which in turn bring's forth his downfall"
There's still too much repetition in that intro. Please revise. Once you have that fixed, then we'll work on the transition to the next paragraph.
All humans have weaknesses, which vary from person to person. However, regardless of the type of weakness a person possesses, that weakness will eventually be used against the instigator. In the play, In The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare and Oh Brother Where Art Thou? by Ethan and Joel Coen, Antonio and Ulysses, the heroes', unthinking love for other people, gullibility and vanity eventually bring forth their downfalls. Therefore, The Merchant of Venice, as well as, Oh Brother Where Art Thou? are both effective is proving that the unhealable wound inevitably brings forth the hero’s downfall.
Is this any better?
See if this is better:
All humans have weaknesses, which vary from person to person. However, regardless of the type of weakness a person possesses, it will eventually be used against the instigator. In the play, In The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare and Oh Brother Where Art Thou? by Ethan and Joel Coen, Antonio and Ulysses, the heroes' unthinking love for other people, as well as their gullibility and vanity, eventually bring forth their downfalls. Therefore, these dramas are both effective is proving that the unhealable wound inevitably brings forth the hero’s downfall.
Now the only element repeated is "downfall"/"downfalls" -- what can you do about that?
Sorry --
... dramas are both effective in proving...
Please note that I've made some spelling and punctuation and grammar corrections in this and the last post. Be sure to find them all.
Thank you so much. I was thinking about how to start to 1st body paragraph and I was thinking to start it as;" The first unhealable wound which is present in both heroes, Antonio and Ulysses, is the love for another person. "
and for downfall would I just use a synonom?
All humans have weaknesses, which vary from person to person. However, regardless of the type of weakness a person possesses, it will eventually be used against the instigator. In the play, In The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare and Oh Brother Where Art Thou? by Ethan and Joel Coen, Antonio and Ulysses, the heroes' unthinking love for other people, as well as their gullibility and vanity, eventually bring forth their [demise]. Therefore, these dramas are both effective is proving that the unhealable wound inevitably brings forth the hero’s downfall.
Is demise the right word to use?
If their downfalls are their deaths, then yes, "demise" is a good word to use.
Super job! You've done great in rethinking and revising!
=)
It's not their deaths though. They don't exactly die. They receive the death penalty but they survive. Would demise still be good?
"Demise" won't work unless they actually die.
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/downfall
Try "ruination" or "undoing" -- and maybe some others.
Thank you sooooo much! Is my transition sentance ok?
Going back to the 3:17 pm post? Yes, that's a good transition.
This one?
when the hero falls in love with another person, he loses all sense of logic and probability, which in turn bring's forth his downfall"
It's a good start. How will you do some rephrasing?
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