Posted by Anonymous on Monday, March 30, 2009 at 9:04am.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/681/01/
Scroll down a bit to the section that includes cover letters; read through Cover Letters 1, 2, and 3. Then revise your letter.
Here are a few things I see, but you need to incorporate what the Purdue site (above) recommends, too.
~~Make sure the name of the newspaper is in italics.
~~The second paragraph is quite vague. Your instructions say to include details, even if you need to make them up.
My skills as an office assistant are excellent<~~The first part of this sentence echoes the last sentence of the first paragraph; delete it and rephrase starting here~~> and I can handle client problems in a diplomatic manner.<~~What does that mean exactly? Give some specifics. You will find me an exclusively effectuate<~~"exclusively effectuate"??What in the world does that mean??! individual with distinctions<~~?? in being spontaneous and communicative.<~~Details needed here, too. I can maintain records, schedule appointments, and multitask<~~Many people can multitask, but not all do so well. How will you show that you can do so efficiently? with accuracy. I have extensive experience in Microsoft Word and Excel.<~~where? doing what? Teamwork is another skill I have aquired<~~where? how? results? and one I know is necessary in maintaining a sucessful organization.
Please re-post if you want your revision checked.
Write a business letter of two to three paragraphs based on the scenario
described here.
Write an application letter in answer to the ad below. You may make up details but
do not copy directly from sample letters in the study unit or any other source. Your
letter should sound professional, but should also reflect something of your own personality.
Remember that the application letter (cover letter) accompanies a résumé,
so you don’t have to include everything related to education and experience—only the
things you want to emphasize for this job.
HELP WANTED
Office assistant for small, independent medical laboratory.
Duties include scheduling appointments, data entry,
maintaining records, organizing and filing paperwork, and
frequent communication with clients, physicians, and
hospital staff. Seeking multitasker who is detail oriented
and can work as part of a team. Strong communications
skills and experience in Microsoft Word and Excel necessary.
Competitive salary. Send resume to Leah Certner,
Human Resources Manager, Medi-Skil, Inc., 122 West Third Street, Mayfield, NY 12117.
March 30, 2009
Leah Certner
Medi-Skil, Inc.
122 West Third Street
Mayfield, NY 12117
Dear Certner:
I was excited to see your advertisement in the "Knoxville News Sentinel" calling for an office assistant. In reviewing my resume, you will find my education and experience directly appicable to your assistants needs.
You will find me an exuberant, communicative individual,that will handle client problems in a tactful manner. I can maintain records, schedule appointments,and multitask efficiently with accuracy.
While working with the Lancy Home Health Organization, I have aquired extensive experience in Mocrosoft Word and Excel. One of my job duties where making broshures for advertisment purposes, and occassionally making graphs to show the organizations productivity. Teamwork is another skill I have aquired working with Lancy Home Health, and one I know is necessary in maintaining a successful organization.
I am very interested in becoming part of your team. I will appreciate the opportunity to meet and further discuss my qualifications and your office assistant position. Looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance for your consideration.
<b?~~The newspaper title needs to be in italics not "quotation marks."
Thanks for everything!
"One of my duties where..."
thanks for all the help. Have a great day!
You, too -- go get an A!!!
--------------------------
Dear Ms. Certner:
I was excited to see your advertisement in the "Knoxville News Sentinel"<~~?? calling for an office assistant. In reviewing my resume, you will find my education and experience directly appicable to your assistants<~~delete that word needs.
You will find me an exuberant, communicative individual, who will handle client problems in a tactful manner. I can maintain records, schedule appointments,<~~add a space after all commas and multitask efficiently with accuracy.
While working with the Lancy Home Health Organization, I have<~~delete this word to get the correct verb tense aquired<~~sp? extensive experience in Mocrosoft<~~sp? Word and Excel. One of my job<~~delete this word; it's redundant duties where<~~?? making broshures<~~sp? for advertisment purposes, and occassionally making graphs to show the organizations<~~how will you show possession? productivity. Teamwork is another skill I have aquired<~~?? working with Lancy Home Health, and one I know is necessary in maintaining a successful organization.
I am very interested in becoming part of your team. I will<~~delete this word to get the correct verb tense appreciate the opportunity to meet and further discuss my qualifications and your office assistant position. Looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance for your consideration.
Better, but you need to really work on spelling, punctuation, verb tenses, etc., if you plan to successfully enter and stay in the world of work.
Look here for topics you need to work on:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/index2.htm
March 30, 2009
Leah Certner
Medi-Skil, Inc.
122 West Third Street
Mayfield, NY 12117
Dear Ms. Certner:
I was excited to see your advertisement in the Knoxville News Sentinel calling for an office assistant. In reviewing my resume, you will find my education and experience directly applicable to your needs.
You will find me an exuberant, communicative individual, who will handle client problems in a tactful manner. I can maintain records, schedule appointments, and multitask efficiently with accuracy. While working with the Lance Home Health Organization, I acquired extensive experience in Microsoft Word and Excel. One of my duties where making brochures for advertisement purposes, and occasionally making graphs to show the organizations productivity. Teamwork is another skill I have acquired working with Lance Home Health, and one I know is necessary in maintaining a successful organization.
I am very interested in becoming part of your team. I appreciate the opportunity to meet and further discuss my qualifications and your office assistant position. Looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance for your consideration.
I think you mean "were" (the verb) not "where" (the adverb or conjunction).
But REALLY, since the subject of that sentence is "one" (not "duties), the verb you need there is "was."
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