posted by daniel on .
how can i improve this opening paragraph? can anyone please proof read.
"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” is a quote coined by America's forefathers after the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776 which refers to the freedom and independence the land of America provides to its citizens. Over the centuries, as thousands of immigrants sighted upon the statue of liberty it represented the American Freedom where a individual could pursue their life goals without the restrictions of class, caste, religion, race, or ethnic group. However, this was not the case during the economic uncertainty of the great depression where individuals were judged and restricted upon their race, class and economic standpoint. An initial reading of John Steinbeck's 1937 novel Of mice and men reveals the theme of the failure of the American dream as illustrated for example by Steinbeck's portrayal of the character of Curley's wife. By taking an comparative analysis of the text, it is clear that downfall of the “American Dream” is the result of humanity's selfish predatory nature. This is evident through the relationship between Lennie and George, and through the dreams and aspirations of characters such as Curley’s wife, Candy and Crooks. As such, the novel stands as a proof that as a result of human’s predatory nature freedom, happiness, and safety are mere dreams in this cruel inhospitable world.
B. Transition Paragraph
According to former American President Bill Clinton, “We need a new spirit of community, a sense that we are all in this together, or the American Dream will continue to wither. Our destiny is bound up with the destiny of every other American.”In the context of Of mice and men, this analysis will focus on how the selfish predatory nature of humans coerces the oppression of its people and their selfish nature results in the demise of several characters in the farm which brings the failure of the American Dream. This is particularly significant in episodes leading up to Lennie and Candy’s dog’s death.
sighted upon the statue of liberty = either "sighted the statue of liberty" or "first saw the statue of liberty" = just reword that sentence.
a individual could pursue their life goals = because "individual" begins with a vowel, "a" should be "an" and because an individual is singular, the adjective should be "his/her life" etc.
restricted upon their race, = how about substituting "by" rather than "upon?"
mice and men = capitalize the entire title of the book "Of Mice and Men"
illustrated for = illustrated by the example, etc.
You might check the entire paragraph for a bit more punctuation (commas) so if this were read outloud, someone could pause for a breath.
an comparative analysis = it would be "an analysis" but it is "a comparative analysis"
clear that downfall = clear that the downfall
as a proof = drop "a" = "as proof" etc.
I only tried to correct the grammar. There are some excellent points in this paragraph and after you have made corrections, feel free to repost for further h elp.